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STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES OCTOBER 29

30 October 2010

STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES OCTOBER 29, 2010

October Strangies: Letterman 6, Leno 5, Kimmel 4, Ferguson 3, Handler 2

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Friday, October 29
(Stewart and Colbert off, Kimmel and Handler in reruns)

10. David Letterman: “My first Halloween my mother sent me out as a tramp: high heels, lipstick, fishnet stockings …”

9. Jay Leno: “Federal investigators have stopped a man from a terrorist plot against the D.C. Metro system, where he planned to bring Washington, D.C. to a standstill. A little late for that. We’re already there. Mission accomplished.”

8. Craig Ferguson: “I hate the grizzly side of Halloween, where people make their front yards into graveyards, with headstones and zombies. If I wanted to see a twisted creature on the ground I’d throw David Hasselhoff a hamburger.

7. Craig Ferguson: “Don’t try giving trick or treaters healthy treats. Kids don’t want tofu. They want the kind or real candy that makes you stuff the hooker in the closet and trash the hotel room.”

6. Jay Leno: “The TSA announced that starting today a manual search at the airport, instead of the traditional pat down, will involve a slide of the hands up the insides of your legs. That’s if you’re in first class. If you’re in coach you have to drop your pants and cough.”

5. Jay Leno showed an actual news report of a demonstration on a mannequin of how women’s breasts will be rubbed at airports to be sure there’s nothing in the bra. Then he showed Gloria Allred holding a news conference with her client the mannequin.

4. Jay Leno: “Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious, and says as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly.”

3. Jimmy Fallon: “Trouble all over the country with suspicious packages at airports. Too bad it happened so close to Halloween. You know there was an air marshal dressed as Snooki, ‘All right, everybody off the plane. Stop laughing. I know, ‘gym, tan, laundry,’ but I’m serious.’”

2. Craig Ferguson: “I don’t like carving pumpkins, putting your hand in all that icky gooey stuff. It’s like giving Larry King a prostate exam. Don’t ask me how I know that. ‘Hey, you’re not my regular guy!’”

1. Jay Leno: “The Giants crushed the Rangers last night, nine to nothing. The Ranger pitching was not good. They let more guys walk than an L.A. jury.”

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who’s kidnapped Sherlock’s son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 267 – Not myself, as in a mirror, but a simple, flowing continuous line of ink on paper, elegant as a Japanese master. It was not a sketch, it was a finished piece, done on a sheet of dense and expensive paper. At the lower left was its title: “My Father’s Wife.” It was signed Adler.

I went around the room, methodically piling up the furniture until the carpet was free of encumbrance.
Then I rolled him up in it.

268 – “You shouldn’t have cursed,” I told him.
I could see him wrestling with the unlikeliness of that opening statement. “What?”
“If you’d held a deep breath instead, you’d have more room now. As it is, your lungs are constricted. You’ll probably pass out after a while.”

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Best Buy $5.25
or Buy New $8.00