(All but Leno, Fallon and Ferguson off)
STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION AUGUST 13, 2010
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Strangie to Craig Ferguson: “Schwarzenegger did the movie because he thought ‘The Expendables’ was about teachers in California.”
Jay Leno: “I’m afraid I did something unlucky on Friday the 13th. I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard and accidentally stepped on a crackhead.” “‘The Expendables’ is about a team of action heroes who run into a theater to rescue a guy from ‘Eat Pray Love.’” “Now they’re saying that Jet Blue flight attendant, Steven Slater, was already drunk when he got on the plane. That’s it! He wanted to be a pilot. The passengers said he was bitchy even by male flight attendant standards.” “There’s severe unemployment among young people all around the world. In China 7-year-olds are having to move back in with their parents.” “A hundred nuns are suing Morgan Stanley for mismanaging their investments. How many whacks across the backs of their hands with a ruler is that?” “The U.N. says we should eat more insects for protein. ‘You want flies with that?’” “Is Levi Johnston really going to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? If he doesn’t go through with it, it’ll be the first thing he ever pulled out of.”
Jimmy Fallon: “A British billionaire is offering $100,000 to anyone who’ll strip naked in front of President Obama. Nancy Pelosi is driving a new Porsche.” “48% of Americans say they’d be willing to try a nude beach on vacation, but I’m afraid it’s the wrong 48%.” Thank You Notes: “Thank you to the people in the U.K. who set the record for the most nude people to ride a roller coaster. I just feel sorry for the people waiting in line to ride next.” “Thank you tomorrow for being Dora the Explorer Day all across America, except Arizona.” Guest Bobby Slayton: “On airplanes you can’t take shampoo, conditioner, spray deodorant, shaving cream, toothpaste … Everything terrorists don’t use we can’t carry.” “My wife says, ‘Porn is degrading to women and degrading to me.’ I say, ‘Hey, you don’t have to sell me on it. I’m in.’”
Craig Ferguson: “It’s Friday the 13th and ‘Eat Pray Love’ opens. It’s scary because when she eats you see she has 900 teeth. I’m going to buy a ticket to ‘The Expendables’ and then sneak into ‘Eat Pray Love.’ Jean-Claude Van Damme turned down ‘The Expendables’ because there was no substance to his character. I know! In the movie Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat the crap out of Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood.” “Schwarzenegger did the movie because he thought ‘The Expendables’ was about teachers in California.”
“Under the Andes” by Rex Stout
Best Buy $9.99
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Rex Stout, the creator of the Nero Wolfe mysteries, wrote this as a serial when he was just starting out. Wealthy, dashing Paul Lamar, his younger brother Harry, and Harry’s lover, exotic Desiree Le Mire, are trapped under the Andes with a race descended from the Incas.
Page 25 – She made her impression; not a man in the well-filled room but sent his tribute of admiring glances as she sat seemingly unconscious of all but Harry and myself. That is always agreeable; a man owes something to the woman who carries a room for him.
26 – And she sent me a glance half defiant, half indifferent, which plainly said, “If I fight you, I shall win; but I really care very little about it one way or the other.”
29 – The vagaries and caprices of a beautiful woman are always interesting, and when you are allowed to study them at close range without being under the necessity of acting the part of a faithful lover they become doubly so.
August Strangies: Kimmel 4, Letterman 2, Fallon 2, Leno 1, Ferguson 1
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SENTINEL FOUNDER PAT MURPHY