STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JULY 19 2010

(Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert in reruns)

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JULY 19, 2010

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Strangie to David Letterman: Stagehand Pat Farmer handed Dave Zsa-Zsa Gabor’s old hip.

David Letterman: “It’s so hot Republicans are starting Iced Tea Parties.” “Did you watch the swimmers racing across the Hudson? The runner-up got a case of beer. The winner got a case of typhoid.” “A guy in New York has been fined $2,000 for cleaning up a steaming pile of garbage in front of his house. I guess it’d been there so long it had landmark status.” “That Lindsay Lohan, we couldn’t even trade her to the Russians.” “The Republicans are complaining because Obama has taken 55 vacation days, only 300 behind George W. Bush at this point. The Republicans hate everything he does but don’t want him to take a vacation from it?” “A heart pump has been installed in Dick Cheney. Thank you, BP.” “FEMA still hasn’t shown up for the D.C. earthquake, and they live there.”

Jay Leno: “If only Mel Gibson had made those calls on the iPhone 4, they wouldn’t have gone through.” “Robert Shapiro would only represent Lindsay Lohan if she’d agree to go to jail. Why couldn’t he have made a deal like that with O.J.?” “A study has shown that young people don’t read newspapers. George Bush was ahead of his time.” Headlines: Church bulletin: Join us for an evening of mucus and fellowship.” Pet ad for a “Jack Russell Terrorist.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “BP says the capped well is experiencing leakage and methane gas, a combination rarely seen outside Larry King’s underwear.” “Oksana? Mel Gibson thought he was on the phone with Obama.”

Jimmy Fallon: “It was Broadway Night at the White House. The President won with his rendition of ‘Promises, Promises. And Promises and More Promises.’ Obama accidentally complimented Nancy Pelosi on he great work in ‘Wicked.’” “There’s a summer camp in South Korea where parents send their kids to learn discipline. The camp’s called North Korea.” “A study has found women reach their peak of attractiveness at 31, which only proves the age of the researcher’s wife. Roman Polanski thought the numbers were reversed.” “An Amish led police on a mile-long chase in his horse and buggy. His name’s Obediah Johnson, but everyone calls him O.J.” “Mel Gibson may be moving to Australia. When your career goes down the toilet there, does it swirl in the opposite direction?”

Craig Ferguson: “Andrew Lloyd Weber is bringing a new version of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ to Broadway. He looked at the movie and thought he could make it gayer.” “July is National Ice Cream Month. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Well Al Qada, obviously. I like my ice cream like I like my sex, alone in front of the television. Baskin-Robbins is retiring five flavors. That’s like celebrating Arbor Day by burning down a forest. They’re getting rid of French Vanilla, the one you really have to use your tongue on. I prefer Greek yogurt.”

Ryan Stout on Comedy Central: “You can easily set the homeless on fire. They’re 90% alcohol.” “An ad said condoms are easier to change than a diaper. Whoever wrote that never tried to change a kid’s condom.” “They say if you’re attacked you should yell ‘Fire!’ instead of ‘Help!’ What if the attacker has a gun?” “I said to my niece and nephew, ‘Jenna, Jameson …’”

“Triple Jeopardy” by Rex Stout, Bantam Books, 1952
triple-jeopardy
Best Price $8.50 or Buy New $14.48

I saw that it might be necessary, if events permitted, to find an opportunity to spend enough time with her to make it clear that I didn’t like her.

[Wolfe]: “Yes, I never spent anybody’s money, not even my own, on a slimmer chance.”
[Archie]: “Especially you own. And incidentally sticking my neck out. You don’t know the meaning of fear when it comes to sticking my neck out. Do we proceed?”

July Strangies: Letterman 5, Leno 4, Ferguson 3, Colbert 1

For each day’s
funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION

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