STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JULY 15 2010

(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel & Chelsea Handler in reruns)

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JULY 15, 2010

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Strangie to David Letterman: “You know that Russian spy swap? In the old days they’d have just transferred them to a different parish.”

David Letterman: “It’s so hot the girls at Flashdancers have to use oven mitts on the poles.” “Crime is up in New York. I knew we’d bounce back.” “Lindsay Lohan is going to the slammer, as Paul the Psychic Octopus predicted. Tomorrow on ESPN Lindsay tells which prison she’s picked. She hopes to get the cell Martha Stewart decorated.” “Mel Gibson has learned there’s nothing more dangerous than an angry girlfriend wearing a wire. If I want to listen to a hate-filled rant I’ll just have lunch with Regis.”

Jay Leno: “Turns out Venezuela has huge oil reserves. If we’d known that we could have invaded closer to home. To be fair, when Bush invaded Iraq he thought Venezuela was a planet. Now he knows it’s a horn blown at soccer games.” “Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to get married in his camouflage gear. It’ll be the only time in his life he’s worn protection.” “A child’s neck can tell you if he has a weight problem. Especially if he doesn’t have a neck.” “Huge lines at Apple for the iPhone. To return them. They’ll give you a Blackberry so you can actually make calls.” “Lindsay Lohan has hired Robert Shapiro, who’s looking forward to defending a beautiful blonde instead of a man who kills them.” “Some strippers hired for a bachelor party took the money, didn’t strip and then maced all the guests. Listen, if the only thing that burns after a bachelor party is your eyes, count yourself lucky.” “A 56-year-old Canadian teacher went to jail for assigning his students masturbation as homework. The students are still all pulling for him.”

Jimmy Fallon: “BP says no more oil is leaking. Well, that was easy.” “Apple’s having a press conference tomorrow to talk about the iPhone reception problems. They tried to call it for Monday but just got through.”"LeBron James is going to be on the cover of ‘GQ,’ and the Cleveland owner is going to be on the cover of ‘FU.’” “Enrique Iglesias says he’ll fulfill his pledge to water-ski naked in Miami since Spain won the World Cup. In completely unrelated news Ricky Martin has just bought beachfront property in Miami.”

Craig Ferguson: “People try to palm off poorly-lit grainy images as Bigfoot, like we try to palm off poorly-lit grainy images as a late-night talk show.” E-mail: “Dear Craig: Can you trust a man with tattoos?” Craig: “No. Well, there must be some man with tattoos you can trust. Jesse James.”

“Inside Edition” had a clip of Seth Meyers introducing Tiger Woods at the ESPY awards: “Give it up for Tiger Woods, if you haven’t already.”

Daniel Tosh on “Tosh.0″ on Comedy Central

In a parade a male horse with a female rider suddenly mounts a female horse with a male rider. Daniel Tosh: “And that’s how you make a centaur.” Then he makes eight more jokes:

Tosh.0
Video Breakdown – Horse Parade
www.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

The “World of Warcraft” kid’s freakout got 26,000,000 hits on YouTube. Daniel Tosh thinks the kid faked it and has him on the show.

Tosh.0
Web Investigation – WoW Freakout
www.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

“The Confessions of Max Tivoli” by Andrew Sean Greer, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2004
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Max Tivoli is born in San Francisco in 1870, a tiny shriveled old man, who grows tall but ages backwards. When he’s 17 but looks 50 he falls in love with the 14-year-old daughter Alice of the widow downstairs, but the widow seduces him. Then he finally gets to kiss the daughter, who tells her mother, and they disappear the next day. He runs into Alice at two later periods of his life. I don’t want to give it away, but it’s amazing.

“You’re married, young man, you should know. She’s shunned.”
“Who?”
“Dupont, the old whore.The wives aren’t coming.”

… that I would sell my bones to have her back — for though she held me as a child, my mother never got to see me as a boy.

But the worst, of course, was when my body paused for a moment in its decline, took a breath, and silently unsexed me.

“Hi, Alice,” Hughie said, smile across his plain, old face.
Her hand went to her heart. We are each the love of someone’s life.

July Strangies: Leno 4, Ferguson 2, Colbert 1, Letterman 1

For each day’s
funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION

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