STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JULY 13 2010

Tuesday, July 13 Strangie to David Letterman: “Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse apartment for $11 million. It had a very narrow view, overlooking the faults of the Republican Party.”

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JULY 13, 2010

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

David Letterman: “We sent Russia ten spies, and they sent us four spies and a Cuban pitcher.” “Fidel Castro says his only regret is that he never nailed Betty White.” “The Cleveland owner was fined $100,000 for his rant against LeBron James. Mel Gibson said, ‘You call that a rant?’” “Carl’s Jr. has come out with a foot-long cheeseburger. That’s what killed Carl Sr.”

Jay Leno: “George Steinbrenner has already fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.” In a segment called “Instant Karma” Jay showed a clip of a guy blowing a vuvuzela at his dog, which promptly craps on the carpet. “Mel Gibson used obscenity and racial slurs. I didn’t know he was a rapper. In Mel’s honor Apple is putting out the fPhone.”

Jimmy Fallon: “BP thinks the new tighter containment cap may do the job. They’d just been embarrassed to ask for the smaller size at the drugstore. Remember, it’s not the size of the cap but the motion of the ocean.” “The show ‘Jersey Shore’ holds nothing back, except the Italian-American community.”

Craig Ferguson: “Whoopi Goldberg defended Mel Gibson. She should expect a thank you telephone call. Let the machine pick up, Whoopi.” “The sequel to ‘The Secret’ is coming out. You can read it at the beach while the kids are building oil castles. If ‘The Secret’ worked, why do they need a sequel? Donald Trump wrote a book which said think big and kick ass. I’d rather kick big and think ass.”

“The Confessions of Max Tivoli” by Andrew Sean Greer, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2004
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Max Tivoli is born in San Francisco in 1870, a tiny shriveled old man, who grows tall but ages backwards. When he’s 17 but looks 50 he falls in love with the 14-year-old daughter Alice of the widow downstairs, but the widow seduces him. Then he finally gets to kiss the daughter, who tells her mother, and they disappear the next day. He runs into Alice at two later periods of his life. I don’t want to give it away, but it’s amazing.

We are each the love of someone’s life.

“Be what they think you are,” my mother whispered to me that evening, a tear at the corner of each eye. “Be what they think you are. Be what they think you are.”
I have tried, Mother. It has brought me heartache, but it has also brought me here.

“I’ve been stung!”

And so had I, Alice, seeing you for the first time. Worst luck of my live; I was struck dumb by my heart.

I would like to call it fate, but I should call it chance, that put you in my yard at the time my heart was as its most tender. I suppose I’m lucky it was you and not someone crueler. Still, if it had been anyone but you, Alice, I would have loved again, and plenty, before this ripe age. Cursed by your eyes, however, I never have.

July Strangies: Leno 4, Ferguson 2, Colbert 1, Letterman 1

For each day’s
funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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