STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JUNE 7, 2010

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION JUNE 7, 2010

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Monday, June 7 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Lovable sexpot Rush Limbaugh got married, and Elton John sang. Rush says gay people can sing at weddings, just not their own."

June Strangies: Colbert 2, Stewart 1, Handler 1, Ferguson 1

Jon Stewart: Showed the clip of Helen Thomas saying, "Get the hell out of Palestine." Jon: "That line killed when she said it to Moses. The ultimate payback? You know who’s getting Helen’s seat in the White House press room? Elijah."

Stephen Colbert: "Oil’s Well That Never Ends." "The new iPhone has only one flaw: I don’t have one." "Bing is good at internet search. I know that because I googled it."

David Letterman: "Sorry, girls, Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend, for the fourth time. Then he consummated the cake." "Is it too soon to hit on Tipper Gore? Al and Tipper experienced global cooling."

Jay Leno: "BP says Gulf fishermen are now catching tuna that get 35 miles per gallon." "The next star of ‘The Bachelor,’ Al Gore. He and Tipper are parting amicably. Even his divorce is boring." "At Rush Limbaugh’s wedding the ‘something blue’ was Viagra. Rush paid Elton John $1 million to perform at the wedding, and he paid twice that to his wife to perform on the wedding night." "Helen Thomas says Jews should go back where they came from, which was Israel." "There’s an epidemic of black tar heroin. Has BP merged with the Mexican drug cartel?" "Most teens can text with their eyes closed. And it doesn’t affect their driving at all." "The Dog Whisperer is getting a divorce. His wife walked in on him humping another woman’s leg." Headlines: "Pastor Peter Picked as Parish Pastor of the Year." "A girl pretended to be her sister to avoid being arrested on a warrant, not knowing her sister had a warrant too." School lunch menu: "Pork Ribs & Sloppy Hoes."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is going to India to visit our jobs." "Rush Limbaugh and his bride wrote their own vows and then wrote their own prescriptions." "The Dog Whisperer is getting divorced. He couldn’t convince his wife to stay, stay."

Craig Ferguson: "I’m wearing sneakers tonight and I know what you’re all saying. ‘Is that Ellen?’" "Apple Warlord Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone 4. I stay on top of the latest phones, especially when they’re set on vibrate. Call me, everybody."

Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

He only spoke a dozen words of English. His words were: hello, good-bye, yes, no, please, thank you, okay, sorry, and suck my dick. He made it a rule, however, to only say the last three in junction with please and/or thank you.

“One little old guy with a stick, seven of you?” said Rivera. “Honor?”
“He told my grandma to suck his dick,” said Troy.
“Still,” said Cavuto.
“But she said okay,” Troy said.
“She says she misunderstood what he was saying because his accent was so bad.”

… but there was still half a submarine sandwich to be eaten, and something had to be very much amiss for Bummer to leave the scene of a sandwich.

 

For each day’s funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION

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