STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION APRIL 29 2010
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Thursday, April 29 Strangie to David Letterman: "Sarah Palin, if you’re watching, how’s that offshore drillin’ workin’ for ya? Luckily the oil spill is being diluted by the melting ice caps."
April Strangies: Leno 7, Letterman 6, Kimmel 4, Ferguson 2, Fallon 1, Colbert 1
Stephen Colbert: "Ecological disaster just off our coastline. Yes, a floating wind farm. The last big air spill almost destroyed New Orleans. Oh yes, and there’s an oil spill in the Gulf. It’s like the whole cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ went swimming all at once."
David Letterman: "Do you watch ‘The Mentalist’? The guy has such heightened powers of observation that he can tell the difference between Goldman Sachs executives who are lying crooks and those who are lying weasels." "Arizona says there are 12 million illegal aliens in this country, unless you ask a Native American. They put the figure at 300 million." "The same people who operate the Muppets also operate Regis. Regis is very sentimental. Today he took out his wallet and showed me a picture of his money."
Jay Leno: "The oil companies say they’ll clean up that huge oil spill, and if you’ve ever seen a gas station restroom …" "You know how all the top guys at the SEC were spending most of their time watching porn? Not one of them has been fired. Yes, they got off again." "The Mayor of San Francisco wants to boycott Arizona, which is devastating news for gay rodeos." "George Bush’s memoirs are called ‘Decision Point,’ because when there was a decision to be made he’d point to Dick Cheney." "One third of women said their pets were better listeners than their husbands. But after sex men are better at rolling over and playing dead." "An Australian sperm bank is importing American sperm at $700 a vial. And they say we can no longer produce things by hand."
Jay asked guest Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Do you think you’ll go back to acting …, er, being in movies?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "L.A. is the smoggiest city in the U.S. Take that, Hell." "This big spill in the Gulf proves that we must end our dependence on domestic oil. Let countries that hate us do the drilling. If they have a spill, great."
Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards’ mistress was on Oprah, who told the audience, ‘Look under your seats. Everyone goes home with SOMEBODY ELSE’S HUSBAND!’ Next week John Edwards will go on her show to talk about his own love affair, with John Edwards." "A panda at the Washington, D.C. zoo has been faking her pregnancy. They’ve got to quit letting the pandas watch Lifetime."
A high government official is murdered at a dinner at the Waldorf, and Nero Wolfe brilliantly tracks down his killer. The story is narrated by Wolfe’s studly assistant Archie Goodwin.
“And yet,” I told her, “you must have had your share of staring before this happened. You’re not actually unsightly.”
Wolfe sighed deep. A casual glance at his bulk might have given the impression that he was placid again, but to my experienced eye, seeing that he was tapping the arm of his chair with his middle finger, it was evident that there was still plenty of turmoil.
The widow’s voice got away from her. She gave it up and gulped, sat without trying to go on, and gulped again. If she lost control completely and started noises and tears there was no telling what Wolfe would do. He might even have tried to act human, which would have been an awful strain on all of us.
Anyhow I was telling the truth, and since I’m not very good at telling the truth I couldn’t very well expect him to believe me.
me on Twitter: @strangedejim
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