STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
MARCH 11, 2010
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Thursday, March 11 winner: David Letterman: "Today is Barbie’s birthday. She’s the pretty plastic doll who didn’t run with John McCain."
March wins: Fallon 4, Letterman 3, Ferguson 2, Kimmel 1
Jon Stewart: "Health Care End Game: The Push Administration." "The Path from Peace: The Middle East settlement, ironically, was derailed by a settlement."
Stephen Colbert: "I love Karl Rove’s new book ‘Courage and Consequences.’ It’s like ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ but with more prejudice. Spoiler alert, Bush was a great President."
Jay Leno: "Couples are flocking to D.C. for same-sex marriages." Showed Richard Simmons and William Shatner cuddling. "Soon people will have phones embedded in their ears. Now it’s just Naomi Campbell employees." "Kids today are so fat that they’re remaking the movie as ‘Children of the Creamed Corn.’" "Today is Johnny Appleseed’s birthday. He died when his wife walked in on him when he was planting a seed." "Tiger Woods may be returning to golf. He pulled his 9-iron out of the sunroof, and he’s ready to go. He’s hired Ari Fleischer, Bush’s former Press Secretary, to handle his p.r. Neither Bush nor Tiger knew when to pull out. Mickey Rourke says he once had sex fourteen times in one night. And he doesn’t even play golf."
David Letterman: "Donald Trump’s on the show. I hope he’s OK. He had to go in for service. The accelerator on his mouth got stuck." "George Bush’s new book is green. It’s printed entirely on old Al Gore ballots." "They’re coming out with interactive TV. You press your body against the screen and Eric Massa will tickle you." "A 24-year-old man stole a car to get to a court appearance on a car-theft charge."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger Woods may be returning to golf. He’s starting with the Irish Legs Wide Open. Tiger picked Bush’s Press Secretary Ari Fleischer to handle the media. He should have picked Clinton’s guy." "Women who drink moderately lose more weight than women who don’t drink. Instead of Jenny Craig you should join Jenny Keg."
Jimmy Fallon: "Men’s Wearhouse had a big loss this quarter. George Zimmer told the board,’You’re not going to like the way this looks. I guarantee it.’"
Craig Ferguson: "A chef in New York revealed he’s been using human breast milk in the cheese. And he doesn’t even work at Hooters." "On this day in 1302 the real Romeo and Juliet got married. They’re still registered at Pottery Barn. Shakespeare said some lovely things about Juliet, basically, ‘Break me off a piece of that.’"
Multimillionaire Noel Hawthorne left his sisters April, May, and June only a peach, a pear, and an apple, and most of the estate to his mistress. The story is narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.
“She said she had a great respect for justice and would cheerfully accept any decision a court might make, provided there was no higher court to appeal to.”
None of her features would have classified for star billing, but somehow you didn’t see her features, you just saw her.
… but there was something in Naomi Karn’s eyes, or back of them, or somewhere, that made me want to meet them and shy away from them at the same time.
There [in his own room], after finishing the milk, I undraped my form, shaved my legs and removed my eyelashes, and dropped languorously into the arms of the sandman.
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