STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
FEBRUARY 5, 2010
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Friday, February 5 winner: David Letterman: "A guy got on a plane with 44 tranquilized lizards in his underpants. Imagine letting a lizard crawl into your underpants, if you’re not Mrs. Larry King."
February wins: Letterman 4, Fallon 1
Jay Leno: "This is the 44th Super Bowl. You know who was MVP at the very first one? Brett Favre. I hold a record. I’ve been sacked more times this year than Peyton Manning. In Vegas the big bets are on which of The Who will break his hip during half-time. President Obama is telling people not to go to Vegas. If you want to gamble, buy a Toyota." "A company can now turn regular paper into toilet paper, or as they call it around here, an NBC contract." "Nevada’s Shady Lady Ranch has the first male prostitute. We have a picture of him." [Showed John Edwards.]
David Letterman: "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl? What’s more American than sitting with the family watching beer and erectile dysfunction commercials? A man offered to trade one of his testicles for Super Bowl tickets. I said, this guy’s half nuts." "In Florida you can now get beer at Burger King. Remember the last time you went to a fast food place? Now imagine all those people drunk." "Osama bin Laden’s released another tape blaming the U.S. for global warming. Sounds like he’s looking to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Last year he switched to a hybrid camel." "An airplane landed on the New Jersey turnpike. How did the pilot overshoot the Hudson?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight we have Ozzy Osbourne and Barry Manilow on the same show, which I believe is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Ozzy and Barry, this is getting to be the best Black History Month ever." "Tiger Woods has graduated from sex rehab. President Clinton gave the commencement speech." "There’s a Tea Party convention in Nashville. Sarah Palin is getting $100,000: $98,000 for clothes and $2,000 to speak."
Jimmy Fallon: "Tonight on our show American’s most trusted newsman is going to interview Brian Williams." "Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is going to be on at the same time as the Super Bowl. It’ll be Michael Vicks’ Sophie’s Choice." "President Obama held a news conference on Toyota. He got up to speak, couldn’t stop and ran into the podium." "Thank you to Apple for providing an iPhone for Shaq." [Showed Shaq holding an iPad.]
Chris Hardwick on Comedy Central: "An all-boys Catholic school is like a regular school, except our teachers were priests, with benefits."
Kristen Schaal on Comedy Central: "If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would it be a werewolf permanently?"
MItch Hedberg on Comedy Central: "You can’t please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people were at my show." "I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who’d be really mad if she heard me say that."
"American on Purpose" by Craig Ferguson:
“What about your boyfriend?” I asked.
She kept kissing and licking my fingers like they had chocolate on them. “I broke up with him,” she said.
“When?” I said.
“Right now,” she said.
Six months later we were married and living in New York City.
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