STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
FEBRUARY 1, 2010
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Monday, February 1 winner:
David Letterman: "Chemical Ali got hanged. He’s survived by his wife, Chemical Shirley, and his son, Chemical Andy." [Showed a photo of Andy Dick.]
February wins: Letterman 1
David Letterman: "Coming to work today I looked in my rearview mirror and went. ‘Oh my God!’ It was a Toyota. Their gas pedals get stuck and then they won’t stop. We’ve had that for years in New York. They’re called taxis." "Today’s our 28th anniversary. This afternoon a staffer said, ‘Can you believe we’ve been here 28 years?’ I said, ‘No, I can’t. And you are …? We started at NBC, where they have a tradition. You work there ten years and then get steamrollered by Jay." "Lady Gaga won the Grammy last night for Best Gaga. Did you like her duet with Elton John? You’re probably gay." "President Obama just got out of jury duty. No word on Afghanistan." To guest Bruce Willis: "How many years did you play high school football?" Bruce: "Let’s see. I played … September."
Jay Leno: "President Obama has changed his mind and is moving the terrorist trial out of New York. He’s going to try an off-Broadway opening." "Britain has raised the terror alert from "a bit worried" to "rather concerned." "What if John Edwards judged the Miss America Pageant?" [Showed a line of pregnant women in bathing suits.] "Now that he has a sex tape, Edwards is just Paris Hilton with better hair." "John Mayer says he’s often masturbated his way out of problems. Does that really work? Kev?" Headlines: "Toyota recalls 5.6 million cars, Toyota CEO asked to head NBC." Menu: "Traditional Chinese food expertly repaired." Classified: "Accepting stray or elderly cats. Also, fur-lined gloves for sale." Ad: "Women’s skirts half off."
Stephen Colbert: "My weekend was fairly uneventful. LAST NIGHT I WON A GRAMMY! Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize and a Grammy. President Obama won a Grammy and the Nobel Peace Prize. Next year the Nobel Peace Prize is mine, and I don’t care who I have to kill to win it. Did you see Lady Gaga and Elton John at the Grammys? They each looked like a cross between Tinkerbell and a linebacker from the Jets."
Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards’ wife has filed for separation. Under reason she put, ‘See news.’" "The Israeli army is giving their soldiers socks you can wear for two weeks without smelling. In other words, they’re the socks my college roommate thought he had." "A poll found men would rather give up sex than alcohol. If you feel that way you’ve probably already given up sex."
Obviously with my new weltanschauung I began to have real problems at school, but I found a solution. I left. Once I was out of school I had no idea what I was going to do for a living. I wanted to be a rock star, lauded and adored and worshiped, drunk, laid, gorgeous, and dead by the age of twenty-five, but that was too Byronic and romantic for a Protestant, working-class boy, so I put that idea on ice for a while and went for something similar but more in my price range. I became an apprentice electrician.
I have an addictive personality. I’ll try anything a hundred times, just to make sure I don’t like it.
See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
ABOUT THE SAN FRANCISCO SENTINEL
SENTINEL FOUNDER PAT MURPHY