STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
JANUARY 12, 2010
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Winner Tuesday, Janurary 12, Conan O’Brien: "Please, hold your applause. I may not have that much time."
January wins: Letterman 3, O’Brien 2, Kimmel 1, Leno 1
David Letterman: "”Conan said he made the decision not to follow Leno at 12:05 after talking to Johnny Carson. I got a call from NBC saying, ‘Look, we still don’t want you back.’ This has all been tough for my mom. For the last six months she’s been forced to watch me. According to CNN, Al Qaeda has been claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC. Mark McGwire admits he used steroids when he hit all those home runs. Sure, he admits it now, now that the 10 p.m. slot is open. He says he used steroids, but they didn’t give him an advantage. He just liked the minty fresh taste. It takes a big man with a giant head to admit he used steroids.” “Rush Limbaugh and Kirstie Alley both turn 59 today. This explains the nationwide cake shortage.” “Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. She’s so advanced she inflates herself. The bad part
is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to be ready to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It’s like having a real girlfriend.” “Simon Cowell’s leaving ‘American Idol’ He did pretty well for a guy with the personality of a bitchy flight attendant. We’ve checked, and Jay Leno’s fingerprints are nowhere on this one. By the way, Simon Cowell is the only high-ranking judge Sarah Palin could name. Sarah Palin’s joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘Hair and Unbalanced.’ Earlier tonight she appeared on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ Talk about the Bridge to Nowhere.” A guy with a floor polisher wandered out on the stage. “Gene, we’re right in the middle of the show.” Gene: “What possible difference could it make?” Dave: “Well, he has a point.” "So Conan tells NBC, either pay me a lot of money or cancel my non-competing clause so I can to over to Fox or take over Dave’s job … What?!" Guest Whoopi Goldberg: "I don’t care who’s doing who. I care who’s doing me."
Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin’s First Day At Fox News:
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera. 7 .Pistol-whipped three guys who called her “Tina." 6. Released a statement saying she won’t follow Leno. 4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt. 2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska. 1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010.
Jay Leno: "NBC is pulling the plug on our show February 12, exactly as predicted in the Mayan calendar. But NBC said if I gained ten pounds I could be on ‘The Biggest Loser.’" "Scientists are now saying fat buttocks are good for you. So when your wife asks if those pants make her ass look fat, you can say they make her look healthy." "A man in Chicago was arrested for masturbating at a Starbucks. That’s what happens when you combine caffeine and free wi-fi. At their prices Starbucks should do it for you." "A sex robot was unveiled at a show in Vegas. I don’t know. I’ve seen what happens when a breadstick gets stuck in a toaster." Guest Adam Carrola: "Warren Beatty has slept with more women than I, but if you add up the total weight … His name was Warren Beatty, not Master Beatty." Guest Jim Norton: "Warren has had a great sex life even if the book’s author is off by 10,000 women." Does the G-spot exist? Adam: "Let’s ask Warren Beatty." Jim: "I found the G-spot. I just couldn’t reach it."
Jon Stewart: Title of segment on gay marriage: "Dreaded Bliss."
Stephen Colbert: "Why doesn’t the President admit we’re losing the war? Does he think the mess at NBC will just fix itself?" "Simon Cowell is leaving ‘American Idol’ to spend more time berating his family."
Conan O’Brien: "Hi, my name is Conan O’Brien. I may soon be available for children’s parties. Welcome to NBC, whose motto is, ‘No longer just screwing up prime time.’ I remember when I was a boy, watching Johnny Carson and thinking, ‘Someday I’m going to host that program for seven months.’" "The first life-size sex robot was unveiled in Las Vegas. It has five personalities, which is what guys look for in a sex robot." "The Vatican movie reviewer panned ‘Avatar.’ Sounds like someone forgot to get stoned." Howie Mandel came on with six beautiful models with suitcases to help Conan review his career choices: "3. Gay regular on unnamed Ed Asner project. 2. Two free tickets to see Jay Leno perform at the Las Vegas Luxor."
Jimmy Kimmel did the whole show in a Jay Leno wig, chin and accent: "My name is Jay Leno, and I’m taking over all the shows in late night. Don’t worry. Jimmy Kimmel will be fine. He picked up an endorsement deal with Jenny Craig." "The new season of ‘American Idol’ starts tonight. It’s a show that gives young karaoke singers a chance to come out of the closet." "Sarah Palin’s on Fox News. At last she can afford to buy Levi Johnston some clothes. She signed a three-year contract, so she’ll be there, what, six months?" "Testifying before Congress, Mark McGwire said, ‘I picked up the syringe, but I did not impale.’ McGwire took the risk. Now he’ll take the asterisk." "Tiger Woods is so hard to find there are rumors he’s working in customer service at Home Depot." "There’s a new Michael Jackson theme park. Outrageous prices for Jesus juice. And if you have small kids, watch out for the Tunnel of Love." "There’s so much criticism of the actors smoking in ‘Avatar’ that they’re releasing ‘Avalowtar.’" "I can’t believe ‘The Bachelor.’ Usually sleeping with a producer gets you kicked ONTO a show. Evidently she was only supposed to have inappropriate relations with the bachelor."
Jimmy Fallon: "Snooki of ‘The Jersey Shore’ wants her own show, ‘Snookin for Love.’" "The New Jersey Senate legalized marijuana a week after they turned down gay marriage. ‘Gay marriage? Are you high?’ "Let’s get high.’"
Craig Ferguson: "I’m retiring. I refuse to go on after Jay Leno. Did you hear? An icon of American comedy is retiring. Yes, David Hasselhoff." "What NBC needs is a government bailout. Why doesn’t the government pay NBC to make even more late night shows? Remember that TV movie ‘The Late Shift’ about the fight between Jay Leno and David Letterman? Now they’re doing ‘Late Shift 2.’ Tilda Swinton will play Conan. Madame will play Jay. My boss, David Letterman, will be played, of course, by Fabio. Lou Costello will be revived to play Jimmy Kimmel. Mondo from ‘SNL’ will be Jimmy Fallon, and of course I’ll be played by Liza Minnelli." "What do school bullies grow up to be? NBC executives." Viewer mail: "Who’s your favorite Disney princess?" Craig: "That’s easy, Zac Efron" Guest Paula Poundstone: "I have two teenage daughters, a preteen son and thirteen cats, so I’m SO happy to be here."
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