STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION DECEMBER 22, 2009
23 December 2009
STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
DECEMBER 22, 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Tuesday, December 22 winner Craig Ferguson: "The guy next to me on the plane pulled down his tray and started addressing Christmas cards. I’d had no idea he was gay. So I opened my pants and fell asleep."
December wins: O’Brien 3, Leno 3, Ferguson 3, Colbert 2, Letterman 2, Kimmel 2, Fallon 1
David Letterman: "You can help make New York a happier place. After 10 p.m. use a silencer. Give Mayor Bloomberg a ride on your shoulders." "Kevin Jonas got married, so now the only virgins left are the guys lining up for ‘Avatar.’" "Retailers are reporting big crowds. Most of them are shoplifters, but …" "President Obama got his swine flu shot today. Wait a minute. How did the Salahis get in there?"
Top Ten Christmas Carols: 6. Frosty the Snowman, Had a Carrot on His Face, ‘Til Some Young Punks Relocated It, To a Very Naughty Place. 5. Here Comes Tiger Woods, Here Comes Tiger Woods, Driving Really Fast. Here Comes Elin Woods, With a Seven Wood, Clobberin’ Tiger’s Ass.
Jay Leno: "It’s so cold on the East Coast, the kids are sending each other pictures of themselves with their clothes on." "Christmas is on Friday this year. We’re finally back to the true meaning of T.G.I.F. You know, cities can’t have Nativity Scenes anymore. You can only have mixed-race, gay-friendly holiday hostels." "There are female suicide bombers now. Instead of 72 virgins they get 72 guys who help out around the house." "Big brokers got bailed out and are now raking in huge bonuses, proving it’s better to be a fat cat than a horny Tiger."
Conan O’Brien: "New parents are naming their babies after ‘Twilight’ characters: Bella, Edward, and Shirtless Werewolf." "Darth Vader rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. Yes, the most evil entity in the Universe welcomed Darth Vader." "The top hero of 2009 was Sully Sullenberger for landing his plane on the Hudson. Number two was Tiger Woods for landing safely on everyone else."
Jimmy Fallon: "There are only two more shopping days ’til Christmas, unless you’re a man. Then there are two whole shopping days ’til Christmas." "Tiger may still be seeing Mistress #1. I guess Tiger decided just to play through." "The Russians may send a monkey to Mars with a robot. It’ll be the first space mission to go directly to DVD." "A man was arrested for following people around supermarkets and smelling their butts. Evidently he has a crack problem."
Craig Ferguson: "If I were a better liar I wouldn’t have been divorced twice." "They say shopping online is faster, but it isn’t for me. At the mall I can’t be distracted by porn." "The economy’s bad, unless you’re a jewelry store near Tiger Woods’ house." "When I was younger it was easy to shop for me. You couldn’t go wrong with liquor and bailout money." Guest Kathy Griffin: "I’m gay adjacent."
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See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
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