STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
DECEMBER 18, 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Friday, December 18 winner Jimmy Kimmel: "A 22-year-old’s virginity comes to a shrieking end this weekend when Kevin Jonas trades his purity ring for a wedding ring, an impurity ring. Monday his brothers are going to have a lot of questions for him."
December wins: O’Brien 3, Ferguson 2, Leno 2, Colbert 2, Letterman 2, Kimmel 2, Fallon 1
David Letterman: "I’ll be honest with you. Many of these jokes HAVE been regifted." "I’m setting two extra places at Christmas dinner, because I’m hoping the Salahis will show up." "I was shopping for my son and told the clerk, ‘I’d like something that would appeal to a six-year-old,’ and he said, ‘How about your show?’" "Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay ninety feet away from mistletoe. Tiger’s taken an indefinite leave from golf, an indefinite leave from the sport. You know, the Knicks have done the same thing. But Tiger’ll be back next fall in the 10 p.m. slot." "’Avatar’ is about a guy who has to do a job on a toxic planet using a remote-controlled biological body. It’s based on the play by Noel Coward." Guest Tom Dreeson: "Obama signed the stimulus package on the same desk where Clinton got his package stimulated." "I took advantage of Obama’s Cash for Caucasians program."
Jay Leno: "Congress is ready to pass the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." "Blackberries went dead yesterday, so instead of sexting, teens were forced to draw naked pictures of themselves and fax them to each other." "General Motors is shutting down Saab. What is it about Swedish-American marriages that just doesn’t work out?"
Conan O’Brien: "Tiger’s popularity has plummeted from 85% to 33%. Obama’s also at 33%, but Tiger had a lot more fun getting there. A friend says Tiger’s just eating cereal and watching cartoons. He’s gone from living every man’s fantasy life to living every man’s real life. His wife is divorcing him. As a single woman she’ll have a better chance at sleeping with him." "Twitter crashed last night, so there’s still no word on what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast." "A study found that just a few doctors write most of the medical marijuana prescriptions. The leading one is Dr. Dre."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The popularity of Kwanzaa is declining. It’s the Tiger Woods of holidays." "Last night we had our Christmas party. It’s not Christmas until you’ve been dry humped by the receptionist." "Charlie Gibson retired from ABC news." Jimmy showed a clip of Charlie saying farewell and then turning around, dropping trou and mooning the camera."
Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger mistress Jamie Grubb is posing for the cover of ‘Maxim.’ His wife Elin is posing for the cover of ‘Fortune.’" "A medical marijuana store in Denver called The Ganja Gourmet has a marijuana pizza that stoners are calling The Death Spiral. The marijuana in the pizza makes you want more pizza, and the marijuana in that pizza makes you want even more pizza."
Craig Ferguson: "New York is the unhappiest state in the country. Luckily they don’t give a rat’s ass." "Queen Elizabeth rode a regular train to her winter vacation, and all the way the conductor had to listen to, ‘It’s old and rickety and smells like pee-pee.’ But the other passengers quit complaining once the Queen got off." "’Avatar’ is the most expensive movie ever made, but you don’t need $300 million to make a movie. All you need are good actors, a good script and boobies. Maybe not even actors and script."
See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
ABOUT THE SAN FRANCISCO SENTINEL
SENTINEL FOUNDER PAT MURPHY