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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - NOVEMBER 23 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
NOVEMBER 23 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

November wins: Leno 4, O’Brien 4, Colbert 2, Ferguson 2, Letterman 2, Fallon 1, Kimmel 1

Nov. 23 winner Conan O’Brien: "Oprah’s Sarah Palin ratings were the highest since she reunited the Osmond family. Palin is more likable, but Donny and Marie are more qualified to be President."

David Letterman:"have you folks ever had buyer’s remorse? This morning I woke up thinking, ‘What am I going to do with a rhinestone glove?’ Some guy in Hong Kong bought Michael Jackson’s glove for half a million dollars. Do you think he got taken?"

"I didn’t go to that teen vampire movie. I thought, if I want to see guys who suck I’ll watch the Jets." "All the flights are being delayed, but I figure it just gives the pilots more time to sober up." "Barnes & Noble are running a great promotion. You buy Sarah Palin’s book and they’ll throw in a Mayan calendar. People are saying it was too soon for her to write a memoir. She should have waited until she had ten more years of inexperience. You can buy the book on Kindle, and I’m using my copy as kindling." Guest Robin Williams: "You get very emotional after open heart surgery. I thought instead of a valve they’d given me a vagina."

Jay Leno: "Did you see Adam Lambert on the AMA’s? Men in leather, men in bondage, and that was just the song from his Christmas album." "A 67-year-old man is suing the ambulance guys who threw away his ear. He’s demanding a hearing." "The geezer bandit, a guy in his 70s or 80s, has robbed five banks in broad daylight, because he has to be home by 3:30 for dinner." To guest Lady Gaga: "What’s the worst rumor that’s been printed about you?" Lady Gaga: "That I’m from Yonkers." Headlines: "33% off entire stock of young men’s bottoms." Bar ad: "Sunday: Spaghetti wrestling. Monday: All-you-can-eat spaghetti." "Follow your nose to U-Pick Orchards." "Professional-size vibrator." "Breast-feeding challenge at Bayfield Senior Center." "Kiss your hemorrhoids good-bye."

Conan O’Brien: "Jennifer Lopez fell at the American Music Awards and landed on her rear end. There were no survivors. ABC received fifteen hundred angry calls about Adam Lambert’s performance. When NBC heard those numbers they announced a new show, ‘Adam Lambert’s Gayorama.’" "The wife of an astronaut gave birth, and he says, ‘I can’t wait to get home after ten months in space.’" "Two contestants on ‘The Biggest Loser’ are dating. It started when he took her to dinner and a movie and dinner." "The Prime Minister of Italy is accused of hosting an orgy in which two lesbians massaged his feet. He’s also accused of not knowing how to host an orgy." "’Twilight: New Moon’ took in $142 million, with 80% of the audience women, proving once again that what women want is a guy who’ll penetrate them and then disappear in the morning."

Jimmy Kimmel: "If we want to turn this economy around the Obama Administration should start making vampire movies."

Jimmy Fallon: "t the AMA’s Adam Lambert kissed one male dancer, simulated oral sex with another, and flipped off the crowd. Everyone kept hoping for Kanye West to interrupt him."

Craig Ferguson: "I’m not going to see a movie called ‘New Moon’ that doesn’t have a bare ass in it. The movie has vampire guys and werewolves who talk about their feelings. For the next one they’ll up the ante and throw in a couple of Baldwins. A real vampire wants to suck your blood because he can, like a lawyer. The old vampires wore capes. You can’t be menacing in a hoodie. I’m getting old. Vampires used to be scary, MTV had music, and my testicles didn’t touch the floor when I was standing. I’m glad that amuses you. I’m going to have to buy a roller skate."

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