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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - NOVEMBER 20 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
NOVEMBER 20 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

November wins: Leno 4,

Letterman 2, Fallon 1, Kimmel 1

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah announced she’s quitting to devote herself to yo-yo dieting."

David Letterman: “Do you like going home to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving? I like getting to see a rotary phone again.” “President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Dick Cheney says it proves he’s soft on poultry.” “We’re lucky today. It’s hard for a vampire to bite you with a swine flu mask on.” “Have you seen the new Sarah Palin book? There’s a little sticker on it that says after you read the book you shouldn’t drive or operate heavy machinery. Sarah Palin’s having a big Thanksgiving dinner at her house. Is she a good cook? Sure, she cooked John McCain’s goose.” Guest Paula Poundstone: "I could easily kill my oldest daughter by telling her it’s important to me that she breathe." "I feel safe flying to New York because you’ve got the Hudson. A tour boat will pick you up in a minute."

Jay Leno: "The fear with Sheikh Mohammed is that he’ll become lost in a crowd of New York taxi drivers." "Speaking of the Bush Library, did you know his wife Laura was a librarian when they met? She’s the only thing he ever checked out of a library." "A family on a safari had their Land Rover overturn, and it spilled them out in the middle of a pride of lions. Luckily they were docile. Must have been Detroit Lions." "A study shows that doing housework can lower a man’s sperm count, especially if he’s home alone and the vacuum cleaner has a lot of attachments."

Conan O’Brien: "The original ‘Star Trek’ pilot has just been found. It’d never been found before, because it was hidden in a woman’s bedroom." "AOL will be laying off a third of their workforce, slowly and with many interruptions."

Jimmy Kimmel: "All these vampires. Should people be sucking blood like that during flu season?" Jimmy showed a clip of a Utah State Senator saying, "I don’t mind gays, but I don’t like them shoving it down my throat all the time." "Our guests tonight are a vampire and a werewolf and, scariest of all, a teenage girl." To Taylor Lautner: "What’s it like when you’re making out with Taylor Swift and Kanye breaks in?"

Craig Ferguson: "Oprah’s quitting in 2011, so now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012. Now the most powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest." "Obviously ‘New Moon’ isn’t a true story. Who’s going to believe there are men who talk about their feelings?" On the prohibition against victory dances in football: "Any man who runs 90 yards through a bunch of guys trying to kill him deserves to do jazz hands." Guest Neil Patrick Harris: "When did this interview go wrong?" Craig: "When I took the job, I think." Craig: "I’m a very suggestible person. If I watch the Food Channel I want to eat. If I watch gay porn …"

Larry the Cable Guy on the Jeff Foxworthy Roast: "Shortly before he died Christopher Reeve was watching ‘The Jeff Foxworthy Show’ and got up and changed the channel." "I hope Jeff never becomes homosexual, because I know he’d be a ball hog."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Johnny Depp was named ‘People’s’ Sexiest Man Alive. Sorry, Hef, they said alive."

Doug Benson on Comedy Central’s "Live at Gotham:" "I have a McRib to pick with McDonald’s." "I’ve been trying to come up with a new orgasm sound I can make the next time I have an orgasm, and somebody else is there."

Jarrod Harris on "Live at Gotham:" "I saw this with my own four eyes. They have a book called ‘NASCAR for Dummies.’"

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