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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - NOVEMBER 19 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
NOVEMBER 19 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

November wins: Leno 4,

O’Brien 3, Colbert 2, Ferguson 2, Letterman 2, Fallon 1

Winner David Letterman: "Monday morning Sheik Mohammed will be on the ‘Today’ show singing ‘I Dreamed a Dream.’ He’s not coming on this show, though, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter."

David Letterman: "The CIA has a new terrorist plan. They’re going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty." "’New Moon’ is about teenage vampires who hang around outside a blood bank all day asking strangers to buy them a six-pack." "The Senate unveiled the health care bill today. It’s $849 billion and 2,000 pages. Sounds like a Donald Trump prenup." "In ‘Going Rogue’ Sarah Palin said she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. Ambushed. This from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter. Sarah was signing books at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wink." "There’s an Eggo waffle shortage, another disaster predicted by the Mayan calendar. I read about the shortage and said to myself, ‘Thanks a lot, Kirstie.’"
Top Ten Ways President Obama Can Increase His Popularity: 10. Solve the Eggo Waffle crisis. 9. Appoint one of them sexy Twilight vampires to Supreme Court. 8. When Chinese aren’t looking, get our money back. 4. Pretend to launch his kids in a mylar balloon. 3. A little “Dancing With the Stars” never hurt anyone. 1. Go rogue…whatever the hell that means.

Jay Leno: "The Postal Service lost $3.8 billion this year. Worse than that, they lost it in the mail." "Now when they test car safety they have the crash test dummies text messaging." "Some Barbie accessories have lead in them and could cause brain damage. Your daughter could end up like Barbie." "A Minnesota dad spoke only Klingon to his son for the first three years. Now he’s teaching him English so he can communicate with his therapist."

Jon Stewart: "A 10-year-old Arkansas boy stood up for gay rights, and the other kids called him a gaywad. A reporter asked him, ‘What’s a gaywad?’ Well, sir, when two dillweeds love each other very much …" Then tough pro wrestler Mick Foley came on and told the kids at the 10-year-old’s school that if they hassled him he’d "come to your school and bring a world of pain."

Stephen Colbert: "The Senate health care bill is 2074 pages, in honor of the year when it’s likely to pass."

Conan O’Brien: "President Obama ended his embargo and went on Fox News. The reporter asked him, ‘How do you rate your Presidency on a scale of minus 1 to minus 10?’" "Two contestants on ‘The Biggest Loser’ are dating, so now the biggest loser is their downstairs neighbor." "That South African track star lady who may be a man gets to keep her gold medal. She says it’ll be the second-most precious thing dangling from her body." "Jenna Jameson says she wanted to be the biggest porn star in the world and to do it with dignity. Then she pulled out the new Dignity 2000."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah says that after 25 years she’s going to quit in 2011. One interview with Sarah Palin and she quits. It must be contagious. Sarah Palin’s book is still #1 on Amazon, which is rare for a work of fiction." "There’s going to be a shortage of Eggo waffles by February. If Bush were still President we’d just invade Belgium and take their waffles." "Chastity Bono has become Chaz Bono, a man. She removed the ‘tity’ and kept the ‘Chaz.’ Is her girlfriend of 4 years still a lesbian?"

Jimmy Fallon: "There’s going to be a severe Eggo shortage, so you’re going to have to leggo." "Joe Biden turns 67 tomorrow, Instead of blowing out the candles he’ll just talk and talk to them until they put themselves out."

Craig Ferguson: "There’s a new spray to close down a man’s arousal. It’s called Your Grandmother’s Perfume." "’Right Up My Alley’ is a new porn musical I’ll be presenting on Broadway."

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