STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
NOVEMBER 18 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Nov. 18 winner Craig Ferguson: On the warm-up comedian: "Is that happening to you at home too? Is a slightly desperate, slightly sweaty guy trying to get you excited?"
Jay Leno: "Joe Biden’s motorcade has been in three accidents in the last few weeks. Remember the good old days when the Vice President just shot people in the face?" "Our kids are no good at SAT’s but at STD’s they’re #1." "A sex tape has surfaced of Miss Japan and Miss Uruguay in bed with an unidentified man, who’s just known as The Luckiest Man in the World." "Carrie Prejean, Miss California, made twenty of those solo sex tapes. I guess people liked the first one so much she got picked up for the season." Guest Larry the Cable Guy: "I have a confession, Jay. I’ve been sleeping with members of my staff. The worst part is, I’m self-employed." "I love rodeo. I lost my virginity to a stick horse many years ago" "I sat next to a ventriloquist on a plane. He was so good that he went to sleep and I chatted with the dummy for over an hour." "I have 106 children. I can’t figure out why over half of them are Chinese." "My friend was trying to show me photos. I said, ‘I don’t want to see pictures of your stupid kid. He’s breast feeding? Well, I might take a look.’" "I love Halloween. It’s the only time of year when I get to clean out the refrigerator." "I hate people who give out that fun-sized candy. When I take the kids around, if I’m dressed in hooker pants and spike heels I want a whole candy bar." "This year I smeared dog poop on myself and went as a government bailout." "For his birthday my hippie cousin said he wanted incense, so that night my other cousin crawled into bed with him." "How do you ask a 300-pound grocery clerk where to find a tub of lard?" "Men can’t keep their underwear clean like a woman can. We operate underwear like long division. We always leave a remainder." "I get all my clothes at Wal-Mart, because at Wal-Mart I’m a medium." Guest Adam Carolla: "Bert & Ernie are gay, but not for each other. They’re both power bottoms." Guest Jim Norton on Carrie Prejean’s sex tape: "I watched it so much I got tennis elbow."
Jon Stewart: "The Rogue Warrior: What about Sarah Palin makes Republicans feel like they’ve been sprinkled with angel dust and Democrats like they’ve smoked it?" Jon had a mariachi plan play on guest Lou Dobbs. Since CNN still has to pay him: "You’re like a farmer being paid not to produce corn."
Stephen Colbert: "Rogue Gain: I was enchanted by Sarah Palin’s campaign to become President of John McCain’s campaign. Nothing is ever Sarah Palin’s fault. Who named her kids? To Sarah Palin fact checking is the same as opposition research, because the facts are out to get her. She’s the new head of the Grand Old Pity Party."
Conan O’Brien: "President Obama was on the Great Wall of China today, at the very same spot where a couple of years ago President Bush said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.’" "Dick Cheney was upset at President Obama bowing to the Emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘It’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’" "Chrysler cars are the safest in the country, because they never leave the dealership." "Arnold Schwarzenegger visited his homeland, but no one in Austria could understand him because of his thick American accent." "Scientists have discovered a drug that makes women want to have sex. The drugs name? Jewelry." When Conan announced that Heidi and Spencer Pratt were guests, the audience booed. Celebrity Survey: When I cook the Thanksgiving turkey I make sure … Dick Cheney: "That the turkey’s whole family is watching." When I heard that homo sapiens had sex with Neanderthals I said … Larry King: "We all did crazy things in college." In foreign countries I always ask … Ryan Seacrest: "Take me to the lady boy section." The hardest thing I’ve ever done is … Paris Hilton: "A guy named Zack. I’m sorry, I misunderstood the question. A guy named Barry."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Senators paid respects today to Robert Byrd for having served longer than anyone else in history. They were told to keep their speeches short just in case." "Because he was standing up for gay rights the other kids called a 1-year-old a gaywad. Everybody knows a gaywad is a guy who plays third base for the Yankees." "’People Magazine’ named Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive, and Hugh Hefner the sexiest man still alive." "The union of department store Santas wants them to get priority on swine flu shots. If you’re a department store Santa why would you want to prolong your life?" With "Cougar Town" such a success, Jimmy showed a clip of Cloris Leachman’s new show "Sabertooth Tiger Town."
Jimmy Fallon: "Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin to rate President Obama on a scale of 1 to 10, and Sarah said ‘F.’ Palin also said Obama’s policies are bassackwards. Obama said she was unkin fuqualified." "Beyonce and Lady Gaga are in a hot new video. Beyonce calls their bustiers tasteful, and Lady Gaga calls them business casual."
Craig Ferguson: "Mickey Mouse is 81. All the Disney characters are ancient. All the Dwarves are Grumpy, and Pinnochio needs a blue pill to get his nose up. In honor of the anniversary I’m wearing animated shorts. They’re giving me a steamboat willy." Guest Lewis Black: "I’m in Vegas this weekend at the Mirage." Craig: "It’s really there then?"
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