« Previous—Next »

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION NOVEMBER 1-6 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
November 1-6 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

November wins: O’Brien 2,

Leno 1, Colbert 1, Fallon 1

Monday, November 2

Winner Conan O’Brien: "For Halloween Obama went as the whitest President in U.S.history."

Conan O’Brien:"In one town someone stole pumpkins off peoples’ porches and returned them carved. Police suspect Martha Stewart." "An American won the New York City Marathon. We told Kenya the race was next weekend." "A survey at M.I.T. revealed 10% of the male students had has homosexual sex. The other 90% had had no sex."

Jimmy Fallon: "A German warehouse worker ran a forklift into some shelves and broke $150,000-worth of vodka bottles. They had to hire David Hasselhoff to lick all the vodka off the floor."

Craig Ferguson: "Mel Gibson’s girlfriend just gave birth to his eighth child, so now he’s Octomel." "Elton John has e-coli. How many times have I warned him about putting dirty meat in his mouth." "In Hollywood people claw their way to the top. In West
Hollywood they claw their way to the bottom."

Tuesday, November 3

Winner Jay Leno: "An American won the New York City Marathon. So this year Kenyans have to settle for just having won the Presidency."

David Letterman: “In Philadelphia they have the ‘Kiss Cam.’ Here in New York we have the ‘Kiss This Cam.’”

Jay Leno: "We’re going to pay Taliban members to switch to our side. It’s out Don’t Ask, Don’t Taliban policy." "A two-year-old was kicked off a Northwest flight for being too loud and cranky. His complaint? Not enough legroom."

Jon Stewart: Title of piece on Cheney: "Is Our Dick Going Soft?"

Conan O’Brien: "In one year Obama has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Wow, This Is Freaking Hard!’ Which is Bill Clinton’s slogan too." "A study shows women are more interested in how a penis looks than in how big it is. As long as it looks big."

Wednesday, November 4

Winner Stephen Colbert: "What should we do about global warming? I say we take a wait and swim approach."

David Letterman: “The entire balcony tonight is filled with defeated Democrats.”

Jay Leno: "People are saying you can cure hemorrhoids with marijuana, but I think they’re just blowing smoke up your ass."

Conan O’Brien: "At the new Disney World in China, 101 Dalmations will be called The Food Court." "Scientists have discovered a cure for the four-hour erection. It’s a box set of ‘The Golden Girls.’" Here’s a man who’d better be quiet about why he was arrested. "When your cellmate asks what you’re in for, you don’t want to say, ‘Stalking Ryan Seacrest.’"

Conan had William Shatner read Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby daddy’s tweets.

Jimmy Fallon: "’Sesame Street’ is 40. It’s so old it’s being brought to us by the letters A, A, R and P."

Thursday, November 5

Winner Jimmy Fallon: "Al Gore signs each book, ‘I’m sorry, tree.’"

David Letterman “Big Parade for the Yankees. The city finally gets to use all that ticker tape they’ve been saving
up for Amelia Earhart. The Yankees have to make a big decision. Are they going to stick with Kate Hudson or sign Drew Barrymore?”

Jay Leno: "Just think, when their Japanese star joined the Yankees he couldn’t even speak Spanish." "I’m sorry Maine voted down gay marriage. I’d go to a gay wedding. Maybe not a gay bachelor party." "Wal-Mart is now selling caskets. And if it’s for your mother-in-law you’ll find it in the Home Improvements Department."

Stephen Colbert: "I can prove the free market system works. The Yankees won the World Series."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah may be moving to Los Angeles. We’d better clean this place up quick. If it weren’t for Oprah I’d never be able to find a bra that fits me." "A cat has come down
with swine flu. But don’t worry; they’re still safe to eat."

Craig Ferguson: "Actors are just
carneys with good teeth."

Friday, November 6

Winner Conan O’Brien: "China is auctioning
off 5,000 condoms left over from the Olympics, but since they’re Chinese they
only stop you from conceiving a girl."

David Letterman: “New York City has the most rats of any city. What upsets me is that every one of those rats has health care. They’re everywhere. Have you been down to the Harbor today?”

Guest Ricky Gervais: "My favorite country western song is ‘I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except Mine.’"

Conan O’Brien: "Chrysler has adopted a new logo to increase sales. It says ‘Toyota.’" "Here in L.A. a medical marijuana clinic has opened next to a Starbucks. So now Starbucks is cleaning up selling pizzachinos." "After 24 days a guy escaped from terrorists by cooking them Indian food. He ran away while they were in the bathroom." "A woman was arrested for embezzling money to pay for breast implants. The judge freed her and then asked her out to dinner."

Jimmy Kimmel showed the Yankee Victory Parade, but it was actually a Gay Parade with Yankee players’ faces on the naked bodies.

Jimmy Fallon: "Derek Jeeter said the Yankee Victory Parade was the best ride in the world, and A-Rod went, ‘Uh, sure.’" "Last week economists said the recession was over, but this week those economists were laid off."

Craig Ferguson: "Elton John’s out of the hospital. A group of doctors gathered around his bed and gave him an early release." "A man got three years in prison for having sex with a horse. And he has to pay alipony." "I don’t know about the new movie with Jim Carrey as Scrooge. Who wants to see an old man in a nightgown in 3-D? Besides, no one says ‘Bah humbug’ any more. Up on Hollywood Boulevard they’ll say ‘Ah bumbug.’ Dickens described Tiny Tim as lame, which in those days meant people would pity you. Today if you’re lame you just get your own talk show."

See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION