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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - OCTOBER 30 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
OCTOBER 30 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Friday, October 30 winner: Jimmy Falon: “The health care bill is two thousand pages, and the plan will cost several trillion dollars. It’s the costliest government publication per word since ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

October wins: Leno 7, O’Brien 6, Letterman 3, Fallon 3, Kimmel 2, Ferguson 1

Notice: I’ll be taking the next two weeks off.

David Letterman: “This weekend is the New York City Marathon, the only marathon with a smoking break. Every Friday before the marathon I ask myself, is it too late to bet on the Kenyan?” “Tomorrow night is the big Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, five thousand guys dressed as Amelia Earhart, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey, Barbra Streisand, Cher, Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Tori Spelling, and Fred Nigro.” “Have you seen the Amelia Earhart movie? Turns out she was just stranded on Jet Blue. Actually, she was missing for a long time and then was found hiding in Balloon Dad’s attic.” “Sarah Palin’s new book ‘Going Rogue’ is a big book. It’s good for standing on to get to a better book. It comes in the regular edition and then large print for former running mates. Not only is Sarah appearing on Oprah, for more publicity she’s getting loose in a balloon.” “George Bush now has a new career as a motivational speaker. And who better to motivate you than a guy who invaded the wrong country and got us into a depression? President Bush will also be speaking on flipping condos. But I think he’ll be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat.” To guest Regis Philbin: “We got a call from LaGuardia. Your tie in interfering with incoming flights.” Dave had a pie fight with Regis.

Kids in costumes trick or treating:
The frozen head of Ted Williams stuck on a can of tuna fish, as in the recent scandal.

Top Ten Signs You’re At A Lame Halloween Party: 8. Scariest thing at the party is the expiration date on the onion dip. 6. Balloon Boy just urped all over the rug. 3. “Bobbing for apples” inadvertently becomes “bobbing for the H1N1 flu virus.” 1. Guy in Bernie Madoff mask leaves with your wallet.

Jay Leno: ” It’s Halloween. Have you noticed that the fatter the little girl the more she wants to be a ballerina?” “Roman Polanski is in jail and missing the best time of the year. It’s home delivery. The children come right to your door.” “Steve Phillips of ESPN is in rehab for sex addiction, and it must be serious. He’s in the John Edwards Wing. He suffers from Oh-Oh-Oh-CD. When regular guys have sex addiction they just come home to find their baseball cards shredded and all their clothes in the driveway on fire. How ugly must the nurses be in sex addiction rehab?” “You know that woman who offered sex for World Series tickets on Craigslist? An Oakland woman has offered to have sex with anyone who’ll take her Raiders tickets. Sex for tickets sounds much better than cash for clunkers.” “Now we’re paying members of the Taliban to switch to our side. It’s moolah for mullahs.” “Virgin Airlines is opening a bank called Virgin Money. It’s for people who’ve never been screwed by a bank before.” “Herpes can cause you to lose your memory. If you’re married it can also cause you to lose half your stuff.” “Great White Moments in Black History: In 1993 Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch broke up.”

Conan O’Brien: “Some people are complaining that Halloween costumes are getting too sexy. These people are known as ‘not men.’ A lot of people are economizing this year by wearing last year’s costume again. That’s why I’ll be going as a lady astronaut in a diaper. How quickly we forget.” “We are going to start paying Taliban members to switch over to our side. We’re paying 72 virgins and a dental plan.” “There’s a rumor that when Bill Clinton went to North Korea the man he met with was actually an actor playing Kim Jong Il. At least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho.” “The internet is now 40. Of course on the internet it’s 16.” “In Somalia a 112-year-old man just married a 17-year-old girl. The priest said, ‘until death do you part’ and then pulled out a stopwatch.” “KFC is coming out with a meal in honor of John Madden. It features two giant breasts.”

Jimmy Kimmel dressed as Big Bird: “I was just out in the parking lot making a big poop on all your windshields. We’re all Sesame Street characters. Guillermo is dressed as Elmo, which in Spanish is El Mo.” “Halloween teaches kids two valuable lessons. It IS all right to take candy from strangers, and it’s best to do it after dark.” Jimmy showed people in hybrid costumes: Spider Manny Ramirez (who’d been bitten by a radioactive Bob Marley), Doc Octomom, Michael Vicks Vaporub, Ronald McDonald Trump, Tick Cheney, Cod Blagojevitch and Jon & Kate + Bait.

Jimmy Fallon: “It’s the 71st anniversary of Orson Welles’ airing of ‘War of the Worlds’ when Americans were so gullible they thought we were being attacked by Martians. No one’s that gullible today. ‘Look, there’s a boy in a balloon.’” “A thief stole two tractor trailers full of tampons. Police are looking for a woman with a huge wastebasket under her bathroom sink.” “Sarah Palin’s finances have been revealed. She owns a service that helps the elderly. Last year she helped an old man lose an election.” Guest Wanda Sykes: “On my new show we’ll play inappropriate games. Like we’ll read a little newspaper clipping, and you have to guess whether the story’s about somebody gay, black or crippled. Or we’ll show you a picture and you have to guess homeless or French.” “This year I’m going as Don’t Touch Me Elmo.”

Craig Ferguson: “CNN is now last in cable news. However, thanks to Larry King, they’re #1 in farting.” “The Olsen twins, Mary Kate and Osama, have come out with a new clothing line, Abercrombie & Bitch.” “Costumes from the movie ‘Twilight’ are popular this year. I remember when vampires were scary, not twinks with six-pack abs.” “When I watch porn all I keep thinking is, these people must be freezing.” Guest Lauren Graham: “If all you’re going to talk about is porn and farting that’s not your best foot forward, is it?” Craig: “It is, however, knowing your audience.”

How many virgins in ecstasy do you need?

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