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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - OCTOBER 29 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
OCTOBER 29 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Thursday, October 29 winner: Jay Leno: “A 66-year-old deputy attorney general was caught in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, sex tapes and Viagra. Well, we all grieve in our own way.”

October wins: Leno 7, O’Brien 6, Letterman 3, Fallon 2, Kimmel 2, Ferguson 1

David Letterman: “Bobbing for apples. That’s a short trip to swine flue, isn’t it? Or as Dick Cheney calls it, appleboarding. You go to Dick Cheney’s house trick or treating, he’s one of those guys who tells you you’re going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out. A lot of people dressing up early for Halloween. Like last night the Yankees went as the New York Mets. And today George Steinbrenner fired Kate Hudson. Alex Rodriguez struck out three times. Four times if you count at home. A woman in got arrested for wanting to trade sex for World Series tickets. Then the whole thing turned out to be a misunderstanding, but she did ask if she could keep the handcuffs.” “Anyone fly in on Northwest Airlines? Where were you supposed to go? Those pilots took as long to land in Minnesota as Brett Favre.”

Jay Leno: “A-Rod called to congratulate the Philly who got two home runs, and Kate Hudson answered the phone.” Bandleader Kevin: “That’s three home runs.” “Virgin Air is opening a bank called Virgin Money. They already have their first three customers, the Jonas Brothers. The bank makes you promise to marry them before they let you make a deposit.” “A driver hit a man and then drove a mile with the guy stuck in his windshield. He claimed he just wanted to use the carpool lane.” “Jon Gosselin is going to be in a reality show dating the Octomom. It’ll be called ‘America’s Two Biggest Losers.’” “A woman lived in an apartment with her dead boyfriend for a week. Some women just can’t take a hint.” “At least Northwest Airlines has had fewer failed pilots this year than NBC.”

Jon Stewart: Guest Wanda Sykes: “A clump of hair supposedly from Elvis Presley sold for $17,000. Somewhere there’s a guy with shaved balls and a new car laughing his ass off.”

Stephen Colbert: “Speaking of things that used to be popular, Barack Obama. He promised to close Gitmo, but we can’t move those terrorists to American prisons. We need those for black guys caught smoking weed.”

Conan O’Brien: “President Obama has approved a plan to pay Taliban members to switch sides and support us. Today 10 million unemployed Americans joined the Taliban.” “Authorities are waiting to arrest the Balloon Boy’s father until they have more evidence. It’s hard to bring a case when you only have 53,000,000 witnesses.” “Someone in Arkansas stole two tractor trailers full of tampons. Do you really want to face a thief who needs two tractor trailers full of tampons?”

Jimmy Kimmel: “The best way to avoid swine flu is to go to a lot of strangers’ houses and eat candy out of communal bowls.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Last night the Yankees went disguised as the Mets. I was going to buy a ticket to the game, but my loan was denied.” “The health care bill is two thousand pages long. To put it in terms our audience can understand, that’s five billion tweets.” “Hillary Clinton is so mad that Bill kept her from being chosen as Vice President that she made him move from the couch to her bed.” “CNN’s Lou Dobbs called police about shots fired at his house. Police have narrowed the suspects down to fifty million Latinos.”

Craig Ferguson: “At his trial a San Diego thief threw poop at the jury and was sentenced to 31 years. To be fair, he did have a long crap sheet, and he got doo doo process.” “The Republic of Turkey was founded on this day in 1923 after the Ottoman Empire collapsed, when too many people put their feet up on it. I went to Turkey once. I got there on the gravy boat. Then I took a hookah back to the hotel.”

How many virgins in ecstasy do you need?

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