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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - OCTOBER 27 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
OCTOBER 27 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Tuesday, October 27 winner: Conan O’Brien: “Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, says if Sarah Palin doesn’t stop saying bad things about him he’ll start leaking dirt about her. And leaking things is what he’s really good at.”

October wins: Leno 6, O’Brien 5, Letterman 3, Fallon 2, Kimmel 2, Ferguson 1

David Letterman: “I look on Halloween as a chance to get rid of my old stale Easter candy. I’m ready for Halloween. Earlier today we tested the electric fence.” “You know the World Series bets? If the Yankees win the mayor of Philadelphia will send us a case of cream cheese. Mayor Bloomberg says, ‘I have six billion dollars. What do I need with a case of cream cheese?’” “Those Northwest pilots couldn’t hear the cockpit radio over the noise of the margarita blender. Northwest is offering a new Anywhere Plan. For $100 you get a ticket to wherever the pilot wakes up.” “Turns out the CIA once recruited Fidel Castro’s sister Juanita to help them bring down her brother, and the same thing happened in World War II with Hitler’s sister, Darlene Hitler. Here’s a photo of Juanita Castro.”

“Remember when Fidel slipped and fell? They think Juanita, Fidel’s sistro, waxed the floor.” “Sarah Palin’s book has already been given approval by the Federal Drug Administration as a sleep aid. Sarah Palin is going to appear on Oprah, which makes sense. They both helped Obama get elected.”
Top Ten Signs You Are Watching a Bad Ghost Movie: 9. The only “Boo!” you hear is the audience yelling at the screen. 5. Creature absent from film for 80 minutes while working on his laptop. 4. Creepy sounds turn out to be improperly loaded dishwasher. 3. Ghost haunts people for attention so it can get a reality show deal. 1. Evil spirit does all of its haunting via Twitter.

Jay Leno: “Have you seen the new Northwest Airline commercials? ‘We go the extra 150 miles for you.’” “There was a lot of fraud in those starter loans for new homeowners. Even four-year-olds got approved. Which is good news for the Gosselin kids. They can get away from Jon and Kate.” “In Texas they were fining drivers for not being able to speak English. If they did that in California we’d solve the budget crisis. Even the Governor doesn’t speak English.” “Sportscaster Steve Phillips was fired from ESPN for violating the unzipped fly rule. The only time I screw my employees is at Christmas bonus time.” “Marijuana can be used to treat hemorrhoids. That seems weird, using pot to cure a crack problem.” “China’s biggest cloning pioneer has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least they think it’s him.” “‘Time Magazine’ says the rhythm method of birth control is green, It doesn’t use the earth’s resources. But your pregnancy test results will be blue.”

Jon Stewart: “Eff’dghanistan: Senator John Kerry talked with the Afghan president for twenty hours straight and got him to agree to new elections. That must count as water boring.”

Stephen Colbert: “George W. Bush gave a speech at a packed motivational seminar. Audience members said his speech wasn’t very good, but it was a vast improvement over the last time he packed a stadium.” (Showed picture of New Orleans stadium with Katrina refugees.)

Conan O’Brien: “George Bush debuted as a motivational speaker. Many of the audience members were so motivated they left halfway through.” “A lesbian book is being banned from school libraries. The title is ‘Horton Hears a Melissa Etheridge Album.’” “A woman was arrested for smuggling cocaine in her wheelchair, which was going 185 miles per hour.” “All of the McDonald’s restaurants in Iceland are closing, which is bad news for fans of the Salted McHerring.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Dr. Oz is on the show tonight. Is it bad when your doctor’s last name is the same as a program about prison rape?” “‘Paranormal Activity’ was made for $15,000. They couldn’t afford special effects, so they actually had to murder their friends.” “President Obama has declared a swine flu emergency. Republicans immediately came out in favor of swine flu.” “Levi Johnston, who pulled that great hoax on Sarah Palin by getting her daughter pregnant, is posing nude in ‘Playgirl’ to prove that the cold in Alaska doesn’t cause shrinkage.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Bush gave a motivational speech. He said he hoped it was inspirationalistic.” “President Obama has been criticized for playing sports in a boys’ club atmosphere, as opposed to Clinton where it was a gentlemen’s club atmosphere.” “The Michael Jackson movie ‘This Is It’ opens tonight. They picked that title because ‘Paranormal Activity’ was already taken.” “Iceland’s three McDonald’s restaurants had to close because of competition from Bjorker King.” “In Las Vegas a 20-year-old guy won the $20,000 Monopoly Championship. Then he spent all the money on community chests.” Guest Artie Lang: “One critic said I had all the charm of a date rapist, and Norm MacDonald said, ‘That’s great, man. A date rapist has to have a lot more charm than a regular rapist.’”

Craig Ferguson: “Today is Navy Day. So if you like water and adventure, consider joining the Navy, or entering a wet T-shirt contest. I don’t know if I could take the Navy — rum buggery and the lash. Say what you will, you don’t get uncomfortable silence like this other places on TV. Uncomfortable silence is what we have in place of a band.”

Coffee table? Bedroom? Bath? Where will you hide your copy?

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