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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - OCTOBER 14 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
OCTOBER 14 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

October 14 winner: Conan O’Brien Celebrity Survey: My favorite clothing store is … Lady Gaga: “The dumpster behind NASA.”

October wins: O’Brien 3, Leno 2, Letterman 2, Fallon 2, Kimmel 1

David Letterman: “If the Yankees win we get a crate of avocados. If the Dodgers win we send them a litter of rats. The Yankees are going from a four-man rotation to a three-man rotation. They got the idea from Madonna.” “Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison, and now they have him on a diet of bread and water, like his investors.” “Health care got out of the committee. I’m not too interested. I have the CBS plan. If I die I get to play a corpse on ‘CSI.’ But the bill passed, 14 ‘yay,’ 8 ‘nay’ and one ‘You lie!’ The CBS doctor makes you undress in the waiting room. He says it breaks the ice.” “Captain Sully Sullenberger is signing books today here in New York.”

Top Ten Signs Your Toddler Watches Too Much Television: 9. Wants Neil Patrick Harris to host his birthday party. 3. Thinks the capital of Montana is Hannah.

Jay Leno: “Rain again in L.A. today. The roads are slicker than John Edwards on ‘Cheaters.’” “Governor Schwarzenegger promises swift action on his wife Maria being caught driving while talking on her cell phone. Which means no action for Arnold tonight.” “The Republicans can’t believe President Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize. Democrats can’t believe Sarah Palin wrote a book.” “Roman Polanski is said to be depressed in jail. He feels like a helpless 13-year-old girl.” “Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison. Shanked the guy. Used a knife he’d hidden in an offshore account.” “Rush Limbaugh is downplaying his past racist comments. He says if he’s racist why would he want to buy the St. Louis Rams, who are 70% black. Because he’d own them?” “Sea World has been sold. The bad news, it was bought by a sushi company.” “Last weekend’s Gay Rights March was great for D.C., filled the hotel rooms. Well, the Democratic gays did. The Republicans were still in the closet.”

Jon Stewart: “The Joy of Rx: A baby was denied health insurance coverage because he was too fat. The insurers said, ‘Look. He’s so fat he can’t even walk.’ But the kid’s father is a newscaster and put the story on the air, so now the insurers have changed their mind. If only all the uninsured were sired by news anchors.” “The Bills Have Ayes: The health care bill came out of committee.”

Stephen Colbert: “We’re one step closer to a nightmare future in which everyone has health care.”

Conan O’Brien: “The White House last night had a tribute to Latin music, and President Obama was seen wiggling his hips. Today Sweden awarded him a Latin Grammy.” “An Afghani film director says he’s afraid the Taliban will shut down his film ‘A Woman in Jeans Driving Her Kids to School.’” “A drunken man in Utah was kicked out of the delivery room for fondling one of the nurses. Isn’t that always the way? One of life’s most tender moments was ruined by the birth of a baby.”
Celebrity Survey: It’s hard to be humble when … Kanye West: “You’re not humble.” I often wonder what would have happened if … Dog the Bounty Hunter: “I hadn’t dropped out of Yale Divinity School.” My favorite Aesop Fable is … Paris Hilton: “The Cucumber and the Donut.” My kids gave me a mug reading … Jon Gosselin: “Drink up, Douchie.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “TMZ caught California’s First Lady Maria Shriver talking on her cell phone three different times while driving. She just likes to hear people speaking regular English as much as possible before she goes home.”

Jimmy Fallon: “The Spice Girls are having their second reunion tour. They promise they’ll play all their hit.” Jimmy’s guests were four members of Monty Python, and he was asking about the early days. “Did you ever think the show would be a disaster?” John Cleese: “Shortly after you started the monologue.”

Craig Ferguson: “The Dow went above 10,000 for the first time in four years. If it stays up for more than four hours, call your doctor.”

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