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STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - OCTOBER 7 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
OCTOBER 7 2009

By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

October 7 winner: Jay Leno hit his head doing a stunt. “I just did a Conan. I’d rather have done a Letterman.”

October wins: Fallon 1, Kimmel 1, Letterman 1, O’Brien 1, Leno 1

David Letterman: “They’ve installed a McDonald’s in the Louvre in Paris, and already there’s trouble. Look at the Venus de Milo.”

“The Yankees are in the playoffs. It was exciting last night, 50,000 people packed together in a swine flu epidemic. This year the Red Sox are the wild card team. You know about the wild card. That’s how we got George Bush.” “Did you see the Nobel Prize Awards this year? Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, did a nice job. Have you seen the prize? Here.”

“NASA is launching a missile at the moon, looking for water. Why not, now that we have no problems here on earth. They’re going to shoot the moon, then see if there’s water. That’s how we do it here. Bomb first, look for evidence later.” “Yesterday was Sonia Sotomayor’s first day on the Supreme Court, so the other Justices hazed her. They switched her robe for a slanket. It was hilarious. Then Chief Justice Roberts sent her to the hardware store to buy a left-handed gavel. But Sonia has her work cut out for her. I mean, replacing Paula Abdul …” “Things more fun than reading the new Sarah Palin memoir: #14 driving into a tree.”
Top Ten Signs The Head of NASA Is Nuts: 8. Freaked out when he heard GM was closing Saturn. 6. Wants to rename headquarters “Cape Kardashian.” 3. Announced he wants to fake another moon landing by 2015.

Jay Leno: “President Obama met with 150 doctors, and he’s going to try out the advice they gave him this weekend on the golf course.” “It looks like he’s going to do away with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The new slogan will be ‘An Army of One … Singular Sensation.’” “Oprah is moving her show to Rio.” “Simon Cowell turned 50 today, but he still has the perky man boobs of a 25-year-old.” “A woman was arrested for biting her boyfriend’s tongue. He was speechless.” “This is the 120th anniversary of the invention of the movie camera. That night Thomas Edison told his wife, ‘Come on, no one will ever see this.’” “Tiger Woods is the first sports figure to earn a billion dollars. What’s he going to do now, retire and play a little golf?” “Ted Williams’ frozen head was mistreated in the cryogenics facility. Come on, let the poor man rest in pieces.” “They now have male enhancement underwear, stuffed to make your package look bigger. It’s just Fruit of the Loom with a real banana.” Guest Wanda Sykes: “The Olympics went to Rio. Do you think they’re going to add whoring as a sport?” “I don’t understand celebrities supporting Roman Polanski. What? Are we supposed to let Steven Spielberg just go on a rampage?” “The economy is so bad Americans are taking illegals’ jobs. I saw a white man mowing his own lawn.” “They want to legalize marijuana to stimulate the economy, get people working. Did you ever see a pothead with a to-do list? They ought to legalize cocaine, have people working 48-hour shifts.”

Jon Stewart: “President Obama won’t meet with the Dalai Lama, a man so meek he was beaten up in grade school by doves.” John Oliver: “His Holiness couldn’t believe it. ‘Hey, I’m the Dalai f***ing Lama.’”

Stephen Colbert: “Time heals all wounds, so if you’re uninsured, get a watch.”

Conan O’Brien: “Obama is going to end Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, so the cry in the field will be changed from ‘Incoming!’ to ‘What’s her problem!?’” “In Newark, New Jersey, November is Turn Yourself in Month for criminals. The good news, there is a way out of Newark.” “Nancy Pelosi was caught flirting with Robert Redford. She winked, and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out.” “A Georgia man was awarded $9 million because a drug gave him a two-day erection. He’ll use the money to buy more of the drug.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Simon Cowell turns 50 today, but he still has the nipples of a young Pam Anderson. Nobody would sing happy birthday. Who needs the criticism?” “They say if you don’t want to catch the swine flu you should isolate yourself. You can either go live in a cave or you can interrupt Taylor Swift at an awards ceremony.” “Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s almost-son-in-law, was prepared to move into the White House. Now he’s posing for ‘Playgirl,’ showing his Johnston.”

Jimmy Fallon: “It’s the 8th anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by waterboarding himself with champagne. Just 5 more years and the war will be old enough to have sex with Roman Polanski.” “Mariah Carey says she likes to go out in disguise, which in her case means putting on pants.”

Craig Ferguson: “Simon Cowell turns 50 today. I don’t know what that is in douche years. And Fox News is 13, but I heard it on Fox News, so I don’t know if it’s true.” “Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby, is in a pistachio commercial, and now he’s going to pose for ‘Playgirl.’ He really knows how to peddle his nuts.” “NASA is going to blow up the moon. Just a little bit, to see if there’s water. If Fabio isn’t sunbathing in the nude at the time I might point my telescope at the moon and watch it. Can you imagine what weasels in L.A. will pay for bottled moon water? I don’t know if I’d pay for water from Uranus. Did you know it takes two bottlesworth of water to make the bottle that holds one bottle of water? You’re welcome, viewers who are smoking marijuana. I blame celebrities for their bottles of water and their jugs of silicone.”

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