STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION – SEPTEMBER 18 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
SEPTEMBER 18 2009

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

September 18 winner: Conan O’Brien: “Farmers in Norway increase milk production by giving their cows soft mattresses to rest on. No word on how they discovered this.”

September wins: Fallon 5, O’Brien 4, Ferguson 2, Letterman 1, Leno 1

Jay Leno: “Taylor Swift and Kanye West already have an album out, ‘Ebony & Apology.’” “Somehow doctors implanted one of her teeth in a woman’s eye and restored her sight. When she woke up after the surgery the woman said, ‘I’ve got a toof missing.’” “Now they’re talking about mandatory health insurance, with a fine if you don’t have any, and jail if you don’t pay the fine. But in jail you’ll have free health care.” “Over 50% of women say they lose interest if a man drinks too much, but to be fair, he probably wouldn’t be interested if he hadn’t.” “Chicago wants to be the host city for the 2016 Olympics, and the big concern is whether they could handle a disaster. Listen, they handle the Cubs every year.” “It’s the 158th anniversary of ‘The New York Times.’ I read about it online.” “Afghani farmers say they have to grow poppies used in making heroin or their families will starve. If they don’t want their families to starve, why don’t they try growing food?” “A man in China taught his dog to do his grocery shopping. I thought in China dogs WERE groceries.” “Hugh Hefner has filed for divorce. They’ve been separated for eleven years, but stayed married for the sake of the kids, who live in a nearby retirement home.” Jay starred in an ad for a reverse potency drug, Retractz, for men whose endowment, like his, is too large. “Avoid those late-night 911 calls.”

Conan O’Brien: “President Obama will be on five TV shows this Sunday, in all of which he plays the wacky neighbor.” “Abercrombie & Fitch is suing Beyonce over the name of her fragrance. They told her, ‘Our shirtless gay lawyer will call you.’” “Facebook just signed up its 300 millionth customer, who just had a Cobb salad and is off to buy some shoes.” “A British company is selling an unbreakable umbrella that can support 200 pounds. England needs it, because Mary Poppins has really let herself go.” “There’s a new video came where you can control breasts and make them jiggle. Unfortunately, the game is ‘John Madden Football.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy picked Donny Osmond to win “Dancing with the Stars” since he’ll start out with 10,000 votes from his family alone.

Jimmy Fallon: “The average woman can keep a secret for 47 hours. The average man can pretend to be interested in the secret for an average of 30 seconds.” “A 12-year-old boy returned for the first day of school in a dress, because he had a sex-change operation over the summer. He wins for the best ever ‘What I Did on My Summer Vacation.’” “Thank you to the coiners of celebrity couple names for not calling Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler ‘Anisbutt.’” “And finally, thanks to my 35th birthday for making the audience give me a huge round of applause.”

Joel McHale on “The Soup:” “On MTVs VMA Awards a teenage millionaire was interrupted by an older millionaire as she accepted an award for a music video.” Joel showed the poster Jessica Simpson posted around the neighborhood after a coyote ran off with her dog. “Jessica is looking for a dog and a coyote who can read posters.” “Guess which ‘More to Love’ contestant was Tyra in a fat suit.”

See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION

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