STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
AUGUST 28 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
August 28 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: “California is $30 billion in debt with no way of paying it off, so we decided to set the state on fire and collect the insurance money.”
August wins: Letterman 7, O’Brien 6, Fallon 3, Kimmel 3, Stewart 1
David Letterman: “Financial experts are saying the recession may be over, so I can quit my second job.
“The Woodstock generation is still taking drugs: Flomax, Lipitor …” “Sunday will be our 16th anniversary at CBS. Seems like only yesterday security was escorting me out of NBC.” “A 95-year-old man just retired after 77 years as a bartender. He just took the job until his acting career took off.” “President Obama is on vacation, and he may play a round of golf with Tiger Woods. Bill Clinton used to just play around.” “John McCain turns 73 tomorrow, and if you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Very Old Navy.” “Tarzan is 97. He lived in a tree with a woman from a wealthy family. No, wait, that’s the Governor of California.” Guest Artie Lange: “My girlfriend was born the year I got my first DUI.” Guest Todd Barry: “I overheard a guy in an Italian restaurant saying, ‘I’m not going to pay $10 for $1 worth of pasta. Besides, my grandma makes great pasta.’ Yeah, but for that $9 you get a huge whopping side order of not having to hang out with grandma.”
Top Ten Ways The Show Has Changed Since 1993: 6. Crazy lady we used to piss off: Madonna. Now crazy lady we piss off: Sarah Palin. 4. Dwindling amount of hate mail; burgeoning amount of hate e-mail. 1. Emmy Awards replaced with Fire Dave rallies.
Conan O’Brien: “To cool off today I jumped into a brush fire.” “Further torture revelations. In addition to waterboarding they also used to make the prisoners wear diapers. It was called The Larry King.” “China is going to start selling iPhones, but with Wi-Fi disabled, or as we call it in this country, service from AT&T.” “There’s now beef jerky with caffeine, called Perky Jerky. That’s better than the first name, Morning Beefstick.” “A farmer in Britain paid $347,000 for a sheep. When asked why, he said, ‘Apparently you’ve never been in love.’”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Tomorrow California is having a garage sale in Sacramento. What they should do is take some of that confiscated marijuana and have a bake sale.”
Brad Wollack on “The Comedians of ‘Chelsea Lately’” on E!: “Every time I see the Jonas Brothers I think, ‘Why is it Buddy Holly who had to die in a plane crash?’”
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