STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION - JULY 29 2009
30 July 2009 STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
JULY 29 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
July 29 winner: David Letterman: “Swimmer boy Michael Phelps lost a big race to a German, but the German was wearing a buoyant, friction-reducing, polyurethane suit. I know that helps, because I wore one on my wedding night.”
July wins: Letterman 7, O’Brien 5, Fallon 2, Kimmel 1, Stewart 1, Ferguson 1, Colbert 1
David Letterman: “Hold onto your ticket stubs, because we’re going to have a drawing for a New Jersey black market kidney. A couple of dozen rabbis were selling illegal organs. Don’t buy a kidney that fell off a truck, or a liver that came from Amy Winehouse.” “This is the most popular tourist time, so Miss Liberty is hitching out to the Hamptons.”
“Brett Favre is retiring again, but he vowed to keep fighting for the people of Alaska.” “New York now has surveillance cameras in the subways so tourists can purchase souvenir videos of themselves getting beaten up.” “Big kegger at the White House tomorrow, President Obama’s having Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant Crowley, and Dick Cheney will be there, down in his old dungeon playing the organ. Hillary Clinton’s going to be serving snacks in a skimpy pants suit.” “Bernie Madoff gave an interview and said he was amazed he was able to get away with it for years. And then I thought, look what Regis is able to get away with. Bernie said he succeeded because the SEC failed to investigate him. Well, I’m sure he’s being probed on a regular basis now.”
Stephen Colbert: “The Amazing Racism: What is the state of racism in America? I’m going to go with Alabama.” “Our parent company Viacom’s profits fell 32%, possibly because of the costly inoculations on ‘Rock of Love.’”
Conan O’Brien: Conan had William Shatner read Sarah Palin’s actual tweets as poetry.
“Glenn Beck of Fox News says Obama is a racist. Every time you watch Glenn Beck it’s easier to hate white men. But Obama’s having Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley to the White House for a beer. He’ll serve Budweiser, the Martin Luther King of Beers.” “A woman was arrested for running an illegal strip club in her garage. For an extra fee you could step into the champagne tool shed.” “A man was arrested for the second time for having sex with a horse. He just couldn’t take neigh for an answer.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Sarah Palin may become host of a four-hour radio show, but I’m sure she’ll be done in two. ‘It’s drive time, you betcha.’”
Craig Ferguson: “A Swedish assembly line robot attacked a human, and so it begins. In California if a robot goes crazy we elect it Governor.” “The book ‘Me Cheetah,’ supposedly written by Tarzan’s ape, has been nominated for the Booker Prize. I didn’t know monkeys could write books. I knew they could write e-mails, because we get hundreds of them. The book’s about a chimp who moves to Hollywood, kisses a lot of bright red ass, becomes addicted to bananas, then goes into rehab. Basically, it’s the Lindsay Lohan story.”
See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
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