STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
JUNE 25 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
June 25 tie: David Letterman: “It’s Gay Pride Week. The Statue of Liberty is holding a mojito. And all the street vendors are selling inflatable Anderson Coopers.” Jimmy Fallon: “‘Transformers’ took in $60 million yesterday. I can’t believe so many people are interested in Cher’s daughter.”
June wins: Letterman 7, O’Brien 4, Fallon 3, Ferguson 2, Kimmel 2, Colbert 1, Stewart 1
David Letterman: “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, or as the Governor of South Carolina would say, ‘gracias.’” “I just saw Megan Fox backstage, and it was weird. I had to explain to her that I’m married. I think I have a shot at Megan Fox. Yeah, like I have a shot at the 10 p.m. spot.” “Now there are going to be ten movies instead of five for the Best Picture Oscar. And they’re expanding the Dead Actor Montage. They’ll include you even if you’re just sick. Over the years the Academy has made big changes. For instance they’ve completely eliminated me.” “In Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had a victory party, and he was very humble about it. He thanked the 148% of the electorate who voted for him. He’s been keeping a very low profile. His staff said he was hiking. You heard about the Governor of South Carolina. He was missing, and his staff said he was hiking. Turns out he was in Argentina sleeping with a woman. Once more, foreigners taking jobs Americans won’t do. It’s a horrible situation, but I have to say, it was nice seeing somebody else having to apologize on TV. I’ve been wondering why all these Republicans are having this kind of problem. I think it all started with Bob Dole doing those commercials for Viagra.” Guest Johnny Depp: “I see little boys lining up to date my 10-year-old daughter, and I fear for them.”
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford: 9. Promised his wife he’d be faithful within the 48 contiguous states. 8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as “It’s complicated.” 7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President. 5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title “Love Gov.” 4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx. 2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again. 1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling.
Stephen Colbert: “Obama campaigned against the Defense of Marriage Act. Now he’s for it. I guess he swings both ways.” “Here’s a clip of an exorcism trying to cure a gay teen. I’m all for that. But now there’s a gay demon on the loose, a poltergayst.”
Conan O’Brien: “Governor Mark Sanford may have broken the law by leaving the country without transferring power to the Lt. Governor. He broke the bros before hos rule.” “The #1 NBA draft choice Mark Griffin says he’s always dreamed of playing pro basketball, but he’ll also enjoy playing for the Clippers.” “Apple has released an app to get porn on your iPhone. No longer will masturbating while talking on the phone require two separate devices.” Guest Bruno in gay outfit: “I was so afraid we’d be wearing the same thing.” “I was the first Austrian to get bulimia.” Bruno was arrested in Milan careening around in a Velcro suit that was sticking to everything. “Normally when twelve guys in uniforms take me away it’s a birthday treat.” A clip from “Bruno” showed him outraging an African-American audience with a black baby in a “Gaybaby” tee, saying he’d swapped an iPod for the child.
Jimmy Kimmel: “Poor Farrah Fawcett. What a day to pass away.” “Fox news identified the South Carolina Governor as a Democrat. Also identified as a Democrat were Jon Gosselin and the last big tornado.” Jimmy showed a clip of the new season of MTV’s “Real World.” Someone asked, “Who’s gay?” and one guy said he was. Another guy went, “We’ve got a gay guy! Yeah!” Jimmy: “After a few beers I think they’ll have two gay guys.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Martina Navratilova wife is suing her for dumping her after seven years. Women. Am I right, ladies?” “Apple has approved the first soft-core porn app for the iPhone. They’re planning something similar for the Palm.”
Craig Ferguson: “It’s National Catfish Day.” He showed a photo of the largest one ever caught, about four hundred pounds. “That’s like an anchovy on Drew Carey’s pizza. It took me a long time to learn fishing, because every time I see a pole I start dancing around it.”
See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION