STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION – JUNE 11 2009

STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION
JUNE 11 2009

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

June 11 winner: David Letterman: “I got into trouble earlier in the week. I made some jokes about Sarah Palin’s family, and she got mad. But I think everything’s going to be all right now, because she called today and invited me to go hunting.”

June wins: Letterman 4, O’Brien 3, Ferguson 1, Kimmel 1

David Letterman: “I finally got my Mom to switch to digital. Now if I can just get her to switch from Conan.” “Paris Hilton has broken up with her boyfriend, a former minor league baseball player. She’s sending him back down and calling up a left-hander. She says he was just using her for publicity. He says no, he was just using her for sex.” “The man who invented the salad bar has passed away. They had the funeral today, open casket, with a sneeze guard.” “Miss California got herself into a lot of trouble shooting her mouth off — gosh, I wonder what that’s like. Anyway, she’s been fired, so she turns in her crown, turns in her sash, and turns in her implants.”

Conan O’Brien: “Fiat announced today they’re going to use American rather than Italian workers to make Chryslers. They got the idea from Olive Garden.” “Virginia is now segregating prisoners who look lesbian. The ACLU says this is definitely discriminatory, and very hot.” “This week a 96-year-old man receives his Masters in Philosophy. Next week he’ll just kick back and wait for the job offers to roll in.” “Hugh Hefner’s old girlfriend Kendra is pregnant. It looks good, because she has a lot of experience keeping a wrinkled needy creature alive with just her breasts.” Guest Norm Macdonald: “You’d think the best ship would be a solid gold ship, but actually the most valuable ship is friendship.” “Andy Richter invited me to a wild Hollywood party, a little drinking, a little fighting, a little fornication. I asked what time I should get there, and he said, ‘Anytime. It’ll just be the two of us.’” Guest Jim Gaffigan: “I was going to try swimming to lose weight, but have you seen how fat whales are?”

Jimmy Fallon: “A study shows that one in four New York City subway pay phones doesn’t work. The worst part is that to learn this someone had to touch at least four subway pay phones.” “Paris Hilton and her boyfriend have broken up so they can infect other people.” “A new element has been added to the periodic table. It’s the heaviest element, Governmentium, which means ‘Thigh of Rush Limbaugh.’” “Barry Bonds and his wife are getting a divorce. She caught him injecting another woman.”

Craig Ferguson: “You in the studio audience, make yourselves at home. You at home, make yourselves where you are.” “Chastity Bono is having a sex change. Cher has already called dibs on the spare parts.”

See Related: STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGERS COLLECTION

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THE TRIBE PRODUCED BY TIFFANY SHLAIN

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND NEWS MEDIA ARE AFRAID TO CONFRONT ISLAM – SAN FRANCISCO SENTINEL OPINION

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