MAY 8 2009


By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

May 8 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: “Miss California said marriage is for a man and a woman, and we shouldn’t try to second-guess God. Except about breast size.”

May wins: Leno 3, Ferguson 1, Letterman 1 Kimmel 1

Dave Letterman: “You spend $200,000 to put your kid through college so he can listen to a commencement address by Joe the Plumber. My speaker’s message was never to register to vote, because you’d just get called up for jury duty.” “For the new ‘Star Trek’ movie the Hello Deli next door has set the meat loaf to ‘stun.’ And the Statue of Liberty has pointy ears.” “On this date in 2181 B.C. the chair was introduced. I’m sorry, that was Cher.” “Mother’s Day is Sunday. I haven’t talked to my mother in three months. Thank God for called i.d. Every year Mom tells me the things she could have done if I hadn’t come along.”
Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear from Your Mom:
I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have a least favorite
Could you make my Mother’s Day gift out to “cash”?
I’m not angry at the way you turned out, I’m just disappointed
Get off my property or I’ll call the cops
You were so much cuter when we dressed you as a girl
Don’t just marry the first girl you live with for twenty-three years
Why can’t you have a show at ten o’clock?

Jay Leno: “So many athletes are failing, maybe those drug tests are just too hard.” “John Edwards says he and his wife are getting to a better place. Actually she’d getting a better place, and he’s moving into a much smaller place.” “The panic alarm in Cher’s mansion went off by mistake. Within three minutes fifteen plastic surgeons had shown up.” “The octomom says she’ll have no more kids. That’s closing the barn door after the fourteen horses have escaped.” “Did you read about the first double hand transplant. Afterwards if you touch yourself with those hands, are you gay?” To guest Jamie Lee Curtis: “So tell me about your dance. Is it lap or pole?”

Jimmy Kimmel: “The best Mother’s Day gift you can give Mom is to move out of her basement. The octomom’s kids chipped in and got her a tie. For her tubes. President Obama is giving Michelle that Somali pirate.” “We can now get in the Statue of Liberty’s crown again. She lost her crown for posing topless.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Sunday is Mother’s Day, or as the octomom calls it, Christmas.” “The Statue of Liberty’s crown is open again. Now you can touch Air Force One as it flies by.” “One of the last ‘Wizard of Oz’ munchkins died, just short of his 90th birthday.” “Dolly Parton was awarded an honorary degree, a Ph-double-D.” Guest Joan Rivers bitched about the cheap gift she found in the green room: “I’ll give it to some poor blind person.” “When people visit my house for dinner and ask if they can help with anything I always say, ‘Could you change Grandma?’”

Craig Ferguson: “There should be a reality show of Jedi fans vs. Trekkies. It’d be ‘America’s Top Virgin.’”

Joe McHale on “The Soup” showed a clip of the show where they put a bully in the ring with a professional fighter to teach him a lesson. The bully threw up. Joel: “Careful, bully, professional fighters can smell fear.” Another reality show had some heavy ladies fighting over car keys. Joel: “Forget it, ladies. All of you could stand to walk someplace.”

Christian Finnegan on Comedy Central: “Tonight I want us to share something exciting and real, and then pretend it never happened.” “I’m married. Sorry, fellows. The minute I saw her I said, ‘This is the woman I want to spend the next four to seven years with.’” “Chihuahuas make you question both evolution AND intelligent design. They make no sense either way. You can skip through a dandelion field licking a penis-shaped lollipop and not feel a third as gay as waking up to find you’re spooning a chihuahua.” “I saw a 75-year-old man wearing a tee that read, ‘Certified Muff Diver.’ I could see him getting certified. He got his learner’s permit, for six months could only do it in the presence of an adult. Then he had to pass his orals.”


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