STRANGE de JIM’S ZINGER COLLECTION
April 4 2009
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Seth Meyers on “SNL”: “Poison blowfish testicles sickened several diners in Japan, probably because the testicles were from these Blowfish.” [Showed photo of Hootie and the Blowfish.] “A new site protesting Facebook’s banning of breast-feeding photos has 160,000 members, dozens of them women.”
Jay Leno: “New Jersey is not going to ban Brazilian waxing. Too many women felt the rug was being pulled out from under them.” “An AIG exec going through airport security had to empty his pockets, and guess what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd.” “A man in Arkansas was arrested for having sex with his neighbor’s horse and dog. Not at the same time. He’s not some weirdo. Though he did try to get the horse to bark like a dog.” “Obama announced another faith-based initiative, his budget.” “Saudi Arabia wants to ban women from TV, so evidently they get ‘The View’ over there too.” “Hillary Clinton was just given a Planned Parenthood Award. Her birth control secret? Pants suits.” “A local sperm bank is offering $200 off for sperm. The octomom just pulled up with a U-Haul.”
Dave Letterman: “Bruce Willis is 54. His new bride is 30. His doctor said, ‘Be careful, you could die hard.’” “If I seem in a bad mood tonight it’s because CBS just declared me a toxic asset.” “The octomom says she will never reveal the identity of the octodad. I thought, well, at least she can keep her mouth shut.” Dave got married Thursday, March 19, and you might want to go to cbs.com and view the video of him announcing it on his show. “When you get married in Montana they ask if you’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol. I said, ‘No, damn it.’” Guest Mary Tyler Moore: “I resent this!” Dave: “What?” MTM: “This marriage! And I notice you’re not wearing a ring.” Dave: “No, there was some mix-up in the paperwork.” “Last week I got married to Regina Lasko. She needed a green card. Talk about your March Madness. Another success story for eHarmony.com. I wanted to get married before my son did. We went to the courthouse, and the guy says, ‘Are you the father of the bride?’ My wife, of course, has a new name, Ruth Madoff Letterman.” “Remember Martha Stewart went to prison for a couple of years. She killed a guy. Are you like me, you don’t feel safe now that she’s out? Well, Martha had some advice for Bernie Madoff. She told him to look up a prisoner named Soapy. “Harry Houdini born on this day in 1874, thought to be the greatest escape artist in the world, until the octodad.” “Michelle Obama is planting a garden at the White House. She was digging yesterday and uncovered three of Dick Cheney’s hunting buddies.” “My tax accountant has a deal. If you’re audited, he throws in a conjugal visit. He keeps advising me to turn the show into a ministry.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Seniors 70 to 75 are the fastest growing group on the internet, mostly on WrinkledFacebook.” “A woman has been barred from a tennis tournament because she has both male and female genitals. Why? She’d be perfect for mixed doubles.” “Mexico is offering a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords. Here we give our top criminals bonuses.” “Bush’s Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his part in the economic crisis. Oddly, it starts on chapter 11.” “Thousands of people are injured each year tripping over their own pets. Sadly, only 30% of these make it to YouTube.” “The ShamWow guy has been arrested for assaulting a prostitute. Has he no sham?”
Craig Ferguson: “Paul Shaffer wrote the song ‘It’s Raining Men,’ and the follow-up ‘It’s Drizzling Dudes,’ which coincidentally is the title of a movie I once accidentally produced and starred in.” Craig appeared on David Letterman and had to borrow a pair of suspenders. “I accidentally wore them home and didn’t realize it until they began to chafe my nipple rings. I watched Dave’s next show to see if his pants fell down, and found out he was married. Well, I can kiss that dream good-bye.” “The only way President Obama could get more time on TV is if he had eight kids.” “Pharmaceuticals have been found in lakes and rivers all across America, leading to fish with erections lasting more than four hours. Call me, Mr. Limpet.” “Elton John is 62 today, but he’s still feeling young … men.” “How can I give a college commencement address? I dropped out of school at 16. What can I say? Suckers!?”
Jimmy Kimmel: “I don’t know why Madonna is going to Malawi to adopt a baby when there are thousands who need a good home living right here with the octomom.”
Stephen Colbert: “Young male lizards will impersonate females to fool aggressive older males into leaving them alone. Folks, the last thing we need is cold-blooded, leathery-skinned creatures dressed as Cher. Except Cher herself, of course. I’m a fan.” “I’ve always said rainbows are God’s way of frowning at gay people.”
Demetri Martin: “A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen, because they’re both colorful, but I don’t want to do them.” “Water polo is the only sport that lets you play and pee at the same time. I also like NASCAR, the most exciting form of traffic.”
30 Rock: Alec Baldwin: “Until I was 12 I wore nothing but hand-me-downs.” Jack Brayer: “I thought you were the oldest.” Alec: “I was the oldest boy.”
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