STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES September 30 2011
September Strangies: Leno 4, O’Brien 4, Ferguson 4, Fallon 4, Letterman 3, Kimmel 2, Colbert 1
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Friday, September 30
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: Police in Arkansas are looking for a man who breaks into homes and sucks the toes of sleeping women. They believe he’s either an escaped mental patient or a former President of the United States. [In Clinton voice] “Take off your slippers.”
9. Jimmy Fallon: Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday. You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s 7 Dwarfs she also has 25 cats. And when Pinocchio wants his nose to grow he has to take a Cialis.
8. David Letterman: Top 10 ways Rick Perry can revitalize his campaign:
10. Get a cool nickname, like Rick “The Refrigerator” Perry.
7. Craig Ferguson: Neutrinos are very tiny. One scientists said a billion of them could pass through a steel plate like bullets through fog, which knocked my socks off. Which was awkward, because my socks were on my penis. I need the arch support, and my hiking boot gives me bunions.
6. Jay Leno: The Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City is offering a prize of $25,000 in plastic surgery. For the first time losing your ass in a casino can be a good thing.
5. Jay Leno: The world’s largest sperm bank is no longer accepting donations from red headed men. That’s tough, isn’t it? When a sperm bank says it just wants to be friends.
4. David Letterman guest Karen Rontowski: In Reno a baby was stolen from a hospital by a 400-lb. woman in hot pink stretch pants. Immediately my heart went out to the pants. The woman was a criminal genius. Four hundred pounds, hot pink stretch pants. Who’s going to notice a baby?
3. David Letterman: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap.
2. Jay Leno: Twelve baby pandas were recently born in China at a clinic using artificial insemination to speed up the process. The name of the clinic? Panda Express.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, toilet paper, for being like Kleenex that pulled the short straw.
Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011
Page 263 – Never look a grizzly bear in the face, don’t stare at the sun, and never, ever, look Dana Carvey in the eyes during a comedy sketch.
279 – ["The West Wing"] I know the character [of Sam Seaborn] at first blush and on the deepest of levels. he feels written for me. Everything I’ve done as an actor and a person has prepared me for this part. The miles on the road campaigning, serving a candidate pursuing the calling of that elusive, magical oval office. My interest in policy, in public change, in service. My deep love of the majesty of our flawed democracy. Like Sam, I feel these things in my bones. When Sam Seaborn speaks, it’s as if it’s me talking, but elevated by the master intellect and wit of Aaron Sorkin. Sam Seaborn, I realize, is my idealized self.
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