STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES September 28 2011
September Strangies: Leno 4, O’Brien 4, Ferguson 4, Fallon 3, Kimmel 2, Letterman 2, Colbert 1
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Wednesday, September 28
10. Jimmy Kimmel: A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can’t make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can’t fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it’s not worth bending over for, it’s not worth making.
9. Craig Ferguson: “60 Minutes” was groundbreaking because it didn’t have a theme song, just a big ticking clock. And people always notice you when you have a big clock. Everyone except Lesbian Row.
8. Jay Leno: Republican students at Berkeley held a bake sale to publicize their views on affirmative action. Prices were based on a customer’s race and gender. White males paid $2 for a cupcake. Black males, 75 cents. And women got 25 cents off. Minority students held a competing bake sale where they pointed out if a white male gets caught stealing a cupcake he gets a slap on the wrist. A woman gets to keep it. And a black man gets 25 years in prison.
7. Jimmy Fallon: One out of ten Europeans were conceived on an Ikea bed, especially that one model bed, the Smervchickafloorfloor. Sex is different on an Ikea bed. “OK, honey, I’m supposed to insert p1 into v1. Do you see a p1 anywhere around here?”
6. Craig Ferguson: We’re all still reeling here at CBS about Andy Rooney retiring. When I heard about it I first thought, oh, here’s another sexting scandal. Turns out he’s leaving to pursue his real calling, mixed martial arts.
5. Conan O’Brien: Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as “rock solid.” It probably didn’t help that he then added, “As rock solid as Taylor Lautner’s yummy abs.”
4. Jimmy Fallon: A Boston Red Sox fan posted an ad on Craigslist for a new starting pitcher. Usually when people post an ad for a pitcher on Craigslist it’s in the “Casual Encounters” section.
3. Jay Leno: A woman is suing her plastic surgeon for accidentally sewing her breasts together. It’s been a rough week for Nancy Grace. The doctor left her with just one big boob, a uni-boob. But the story has a happy ending. She’s dating a guy who just has one hand.
2. Conan O’Brien: Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself.
1. Craig Ferguson: Andy Rooney has something special. Ordinarily it’s no fun listening to old people gripe. That’s why I never bring up the cost of cocaine when Betty White is here.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010
Page 425 – It was agreed that young John [Rockefeller] is to call at the house day after tomorrow evening and take me to his church, I to be free to talk about lying. But, after all, I can’t go. I am fighting off my annual bronchitis, and the doctor has forbidden it. I am sorry, for I am sure I know more about lying than anybody who has lived on this planet before me. I believe I am the only person alive who is sane upon this subject. I have been familiar with it for seventy years. The first utterance I ever made was a lie, for I pretended that a pin was sticking me, whereas it was not so. I have been interested in this great art ever since. I have practiced it ever since; sometimes for pleasure, usually for profit. And to this day I do not always know when to believe myself, and when to take the matter under consideration.
434 – Lord Houghton told a number of delightful stories. He told them in French, and I lost nothing of them but the nubs.
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