Strange’s Emmys, Monday Strangies, Charlie Sheen Roast – September 19 2011

STRANGE’S EMMYS, MONDAY STRANGIES, CHARLIE SHEEN ROAST September 19 2011

September Strangies: Leno 3, Fallon 2, Kimmel 2, Ferguson 2, O’Brien 2, Letterman 1, Colbert 1

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By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange

Monday, September 19
Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

12. Charlie Sheen: I personally asked William Shatner to be here because I needed the clean urine. I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.

11. Charlie Sheen: I’m still Charlie Sheen, and in my chest is an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from the crack pipe.

10. William Shatner: Charlie, let me give you my biggest piece of advice. Don’t forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline.com.

9. Anthony Jeselnik: Charlie, you’ve convinced more women to have abortions than the prenatal test for Down’s syndrome.

8. Jeff Ross: Charlie, don’t you want to live to see your kids’ first 12 steps?

7. Amy Schumer: After all those years of abusing your lungs, your liver, your kidneys, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.

6. Seth MacFarlane: Seth: Mike Tyson has beaten every opponent he’s ever gone up against, except the letter “S.”

5. Seth MacFarlane: He’s the reason a penis with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.

4. Seth MacFarlane: For Charlie Sheen’s obituary I just used Amy Winehouse’s. I only had to change 3 things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and “a talent that will be missed.”

3. Jeff Ross: Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.

2. Charlie Sheen: Over the years I’ve hung out with some shady characters: drug dealers, losers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.

1. Amy Schumer: You’re just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the ’80s and now your old slot’s being filled with Ashton Kutcher.

Monday, September 19
(Stewart, Colbert & Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Because they have Chaz Bono on, “Dancing with the Stars” is being accused of having a gay agenda. It’s a ballroom dancing competition. Of course they have a gay agenda. They put football players in sparkly costumes. Besides, Chaz Bono is a gay woman who gave it up to become a straight man.

9. Craig Ferguson: “The Playboy Club” is a racy show. The actresses had to sign a nudity clause. “Nudity Claus” is the name of a Christmas porno film I made. I play Santa. I enter through the chimney. I’ve got my big sack.

8. Jay Leno: The world’s largest sperm bank is turning away redheaded men, because parents don’t want redheaded babies. That shows you how much damage one Vegas prop comic can do.

7. Craig Ferguson: I’m interviewed in the December issue of “Playboy Magazine.” I didn’t realize it was an interview, though, so I showed up nude. But I do that for most interviews. It got me banned from “The View.”

6. Jimmy Kimmel: I always pick the “Dancing with the Stars” winner before I’ve seen any of them dance, and I’ve been right 5 out of 8 times, which is why they call me Nostradancemus. [This time he picked David Arquette.]

5. Craig Ferguson: If I were in charge of a time capsule what would I put in it? Justin Bieber.

4. Conan O’Brien: A new site is offering sex toys to religiously observant Jews. Most popular item is a vibrator called Diddler on the Roof.

3. Craig Ferguson: Tonight was “2 1/2 Men” and “Dancing with the Stars.” I always get Ashton Kutcher and Chaz Bono confused. One of them’s married to Cher, right?

2. David Letterman: Regis Philbin, who’s been fired and will soon be off the air, threw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium. He has a great arm. Couple of years age he threw out Kathie Lee.

1. Conan O’Brien: The world’s largest sperm bank is no longer accepting donations from men with red hair because of low demand. As a result, this week my neighborhood Salvation Army is going to get a very interesting donation. But what are people seeing night after night that’s making redheads so unpopular?

Sunday, September 18 Emmys

3. Presenter Jon Cryer: I was in “Pretty in Pink.”
Ashton Kutcher: And I’m not Charlie Sheen. And I want to tell you, Jon, I don’t think you’re a troll. [Charlie Sheen had called him that in one of his rants.]
Jon [hugging Ashton]: Oh, thank you!

2. Host Jane Lynch: There’s Betty White. She’s the reason we’re here at 5:00.

1. Host Jane Lynch: Many people ask me why I’m lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of “Entourage.”

In Memorium: The singing of “Hallelujah” is spectacular

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 233- Finally, in the club, I was approached by two girls who wanted me to join them back at their place. This being most 24-year-old guys’ dream scenario, I suggested we reconvene at my suite. Having just received the third degree from the doorman, it never occurred to me that there could be anyone in the club who wasn’t of age.

See Related: STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES ARCHIVE

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