STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES September 9 2011
September Strangies: Leno 2, Fallon 2, Ferguson 1, Letterman 1, Kimmel 1
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Friday, September 9
(Only Leno, Kimmel, Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Craig Ferguson: I’m excited about the new movie “Contagion” about this disease that has people’s eyes rolling back in their head, choking and passing out. It’s like a milder form of Bieber Fever. Lots of big-name stars. This movie has more diseased celebrities than a pool party at the Playboy Mansion. I’ve been to the Playboy Mansion. I saw that grotto. I thought it was a large tureen of soup.
9. Craig Ferguson: In the first ten minutes of “Contagion” Gwyneth Paltrow dies, but I think that’s just a way to get people to go see it. The fictional virus in the movie is based on the bird flu, which came along and everybody thought it would change everything, but then it just sort of faded away. No, wait, that’s President Obama.
8. Jay Leno: guest Bill Maher: Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
7. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, caps lock, for being the Gilbert Gottfried of the keyboard.
6. Jay Leno: Fidel Castro just went on TV, basically just to prove he’s still alive. Same reason President Obama went on TV last night.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: Ricki Lake bruised her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” And Chaz fractured his Bono.
4. Jimmy Fallon: An Outback Steakhouse accidentally served peach schnapps and vodka to a 4-year-old girl. The girl knew something was wrong when she woke up next to a teddy bear she’d just met.
3. Jay Leno: South African scientists have discovered the remains of a 2-million-year-old half-man/half-ape. This is before Neanderthal. They found bones, a skull and an Oakland Raiders helmet.
2. Jay Leno: Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin.
1. Jimmy Fallon: It’s our 500th episode. We’re halfway to a thousand, but still going at it every night, sort of like Hugh Hefner.
Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster, 2007
Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle solve the murder of a young Adonis.
Page 277 – “Wagner’s music is better than anybody’s.” Oscar persisted. “It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says.”
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