STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS – More Lucas-Cloned Crap

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By Seán Martinfield
Sentinel Fine Arts Critic
Photo by Lynn Imanaka

“Are you carrying a cell phone?!” asks the attendant at Theatre #7, the designated station of preview night for the press and those tall-enough-for-the-ride children with parents who may not have explored the nuances of “PG-rated” – at least, not as they apply to the Lucas dream factory.

Yes, I’m carrying a cell phone. To the Metreon, on the corner of 4th & Mission? Knowing the gauntlet of aggressive and occasionally menacing energy between its entrance and that of the Powell Street muni station? Back and forth? You’re damn right I’m carrying a cell phone – just like I do at Opening Nights of the opera, the symphony, the ballet, New Conservatory Theatre Center, the Shorenstein Theatres, A.C.T., Yerba Buena Theatre Center, new exhibits at the Legion of Honor, the de Young, the Palace of Fine Arts, the Asian Museum, the New Contemporary Jewish Museum and anywhere ANITA COCKTAIL is making an appearance. See me turning off my phone? Just for you.

“You will have to surrender it. And you? [To my companion.] Do YOU have a cell phone?” [See above.]

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The Clone Wars

Omigod! Now we can’t be the first to sneak photos and upload pirated videos to YouTube! Both phones are secured into a single press & seal vegetable bag. My name is written onto a torn piece of masking tape: M–A–R–T–…. If they’ve gone missing by the end of the screening, I suppose I’ll just have to accept it, abandon all hope, and run like hell to the nearest public phone booth to call in my exclusive. That is, if I can find a phone booth … hopefully, with a Directory.

“This way.” Who the hell is the talking uniform suddenly giving my body the once-over with this large black object?

“Put your arms down!” Oh, now I get it. Good thing tonight’s heaviest and tightest ring is around my wedding finger.

At last, clearances completed, we’re allowed into the dismally dull confines of Theatre Number 7. Enter the aging Star War-philes, throwbacks from the previous century, costumed and armed with yard-stick-long glowing weaponry. The little kids in front of us are beaming-out tons of don’t-come-near-me energy, thank you. The troupe retreats.

Parents, be warned. Between “Long ago in a galaxy far, far away” and the final frame – George Lucas’ STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS is a spectacular bucket of waste.

It is a waste of your money. These days – that includes your Family Movie money, gas money, public transportation money, out-to-dinner money, large sugary drink and popcorn and nacho money. This animated treatment is likewise a complete waste of your time and your children’s time – now, a long time from now, and later on when the product graduates to weekly serialized Saturday Morning Violence and/or the omnipresent video game. It will be a waste of your time and money if you invest in the forth-coming DVD or Blu-ray. Worse – more time and money will be lost uploading to/unloading from eBay or Amazon. Take all that as of yet un-spent hard-earned income and put it into your child’s college fund.

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STAR WARS – The lore bores

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS is 98 minutes of unending crash-boom-zoom-vroom violence, an equally noxious score, and a script of muddy morality peppered with occasional bits of vaudeville and thinner than HD-variety Speedo-type intergalactic costume illustrations. Of interest to some: within a fleeting number of frames, the Lucas lore clearly illustrates that kicker cocktails, jazz musicians, and users of hookah pipes will survive the test of time.

At last, finito. No applause, no cheering, nothing. We race to the cell phone table. It’s a long line and the table is piled. Where’s that guy who wanted to record my comments?

“NAME?!”

I respond. By now, about a dozen vegetable bags remain unclaimed. How hard can it be? [To my companion.] “Have you got 50-cents?”

“M–A–R–T–…. Thank you.”

Star Wars: The Clone Wars. The Metreon. A miserable experience.

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See Related: FINE ARTS CRITIC SEAN MARTINFIELD

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Seán Martinfield is a native San Franciscan. He is a Theatre Arts Graduate from San Francisco State University, a professional singer, and well-known private vocal coach to Bay Area actors and singers of all ages and persuasions. His clients have appeared in Broadway National Tours including Wicked, Aïda, Miss Saigon, Rent, Bye Bye Birdie, in theatres and cabarets throughout the Bay Area, and are regularly featured in major City events including Diva Fest, Gay Pride, and Halloween In The Castro. As an Internet consultant in vocal development and audition preparation he has published thousands of responses to those seeking his advice concerning singing techniques, professional and academic auditions, and careers in the Performing Arts. Mr. Martinfield’s Broadway clients have all profited from his vocal methodology, “The Belter’s Method”, which is being prepared for publication. If you want answers about your vocal technique, post him a question on AllExperts.com. If you would like to build up your vocal performance chops and participate in the Bay Area’s rich theatrical scene, e-mail him at: sean.martinfield@comcast.net.

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