STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES August 24 2011
August Strangies: O’Brien 4, Kimmel 3, Letterman 3, Stewart 2, Leno 2, Fallon 1, Ferguson 1, Handler 1
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Wednesday, August 24
(Only Handler, Letterman & Ferguson live.)
10. David Letterman: I didn’t feel the earthquake yesterday because I’m dead inside. The staff had some comments.
The first thing I thought, “I wonder if it killed Dave.”
Dave has samurai swords on his office wall. I could see them coming down and chopping him to bits.
Open heart surgery, fatwa, earthquake. Every time I think my prayer has been answered, the bastard lives.
9. Chelsea Handler: There’s a gay sports bar called Boxers, and it wants to open up a branch around the corner from a Catholic School. Matt Braunger: I like the idea of a straight drunk guy wandering in thinking it’s a regular sports bar. High five! Chest bump! Ass pat! Kiss! Kiss!? Chelsea: Chuy, what would you watch at a gay sports bar? Chuy: Cock fighting.
8. Craig Ferguson: [A stagehand was running off the stage as they started.] Don’t applaud incompetence. You’ll be busy all night.
7. Craig Ferguson: People under 70 are going, “Liberace? Who was that?” He was like Justin Timberlake, but he could play the piano.
6. David Letterman: Ashton Kutcher [who came out in a helmet and "Not Dave" across his Kevlar vest]: You can’t be too careful sitting next to a guy who’s been fatwaed.
5. David Letterman to Ashton Kutcher: How do you come into “Two and a Half Men?” This is like jumping off a truck running. Ashton: No, that was Charlie’s character. Dave: Do you mind a couple of theoretical questions? Do you prefer strippers or porn stars?
4. Craig Ferguson: Viewer e-mail: Do you ever get told you look like another celebrity?
Craig: I look like Liza Minnelli.
Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: I get Gary Busey quite a bit.
3. Craig Ferguson to gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: Geoff, do you want to throw to commercial?
Geoff: Be sure to visit the refreshment stand during our nocturnal intermission.
2. David Letterman: Even if they don’t kill me, it’s still an honor just to be fatwaed.
1. David Letterman showed a clip of Rachel Maddow, supposedly on her own show: Heightened security around the Ed Sullivan Theatre after David Letterman was threatened on an Al Qaeda website. The host is keeping a low profile, only venturing outside when he leaves the office at precisely 9:45 p.m., when he gets into his electric blue Toyota Prius for the ride to his home at 97 Fillmore Place in Larchmont, New York, third house on the left from the corner, with the blue shutters. Security password, sadly, is D-A-V-E. You can also track Dave on the new NBC Dave Tracker iPad app.
The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010
Page 371- One other late-night host strongly disapproved of the promo [Letterman, Leno & Oprah doing a Super Bowl promo together]. Watching the game that night at a party at his house, Jimmy Kimmel couldn’t believe his eyes. Dave was throwing Jay a life preserver. He later went on Dave’s show as a guest and tweaked him about it, after Dave said how much fun he’d had bashing Jay. Jimmy said Jay had been drowning; they could have finished him off. The two of them had a laugh about it all.
Kimmel had thought about it a lot and realized the ad represented Dave sending a message: This is still about two guys at the top; I don’t need these other hangers-on cluttering up the late-night stage.
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