STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES July 18 2011
July Strangies: Stewart 2, Ferguson 2, Leno 1, Fallon 1
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Monday, July 18
10. Jay Leno: In Russia a man who tried to rob a hair salon was tied up by the woman who owned it and used as a sex slave for 3 days. Well, I guess he learned his lesson.
9. David Letterman: It was so hot Presidential Candidate Michele O”Bachmann was fanning herself with pornography. So hot Charlie Sheen was snorting actual snow.
8. Conan O’Brien: Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl whose name is Trump Granddaughter and Casino.
7. David Letterman: Top 10 pieces of wisdom from Dave’s Mom on her 90th birthday:
10. Paying taxes is for losers.
5. Always tip the dealer.
4. No one cares how YOU feel.
3. There’s big money in black-market cigarettes.
1. Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Fallon, Ferguson, Stewart, Colbert, Conan and Lopez.
6. Conan O’Brien: We were off for 2 weeks. Andy and I took time to reconnect with our families, and then we fixed the 405 freeway.
5. Conan O’Brien: Everyone stayed home during carmageddon. The only people who left their homes were police, emergency workers and Marc Anthony.
4. Conan O’Brien: This weekend was the first time in their lives “Harry Potter” fans experienced a climax.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: This weekend in L.A. they closed the whole 405 freeway down so Oprah could go for a jog.
2. Stephen Colbert: Thank you to the Japanese Women’s Soccer Team for rescuing America from the brink of caring about soccer.
1. Craig Ferguson: It was so hot in Washington they had to put a fan on the debt ceiling.
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 165 – A horse’s skull always looks scary, even if someone has put lipstick on it.
166 – Tiffany’s mouth sprang open. “You’re her, aren’t you? You’re Eskarina Smith, right? The only woman who ever became a wizard!”
“Somewhere inside, I suppose so, yes, but it seems such a long time ago, and you know, I never really felt like a wizard, so I never really worried about what anyone said. And anyway, I had the staff, and no one could take that away from me.” Eskarina hesitated for a moment and then went on. “That’s what I learned at university: to be me, just what I am, and not worry about it. That knowledge is an invisible magical staff, all by itself.”
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