STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES JANUARY 31 2011
January Strangies: Leno 5, Fallon 4, Letterman 3, Kimmel 3, O’Brien 3, Colbert 1, Ferguson 1, Stewart 1
By Strange de Jim
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Monday, January 31
10. David Letterman: This year the Academy Awards have nominated remakes of two John Wayne movies. “True Grit,” of course. And the other one is “Black Swan.”
9. Conan O’Brien: Taco Bell took out full-page ads telling the true details of what’s in their beef. Not surprisingly the ads make great bathroom reading.
8. David Letterman: We’ve had so much snow in New York, the hookers in Times Square, God bless ‘em, for fifty bucks more are offering lift tickets.
7. Jay Leno: The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of “Glee.”
6. Jimmy Fallon: CBS is putting the highly rated “Two and a Half Men” on hiatus until Charlie Sheen finishes rehab. Today NBC sent him 3 get-well porn stars and a suitcase of cocaine.
5. Craig Ferguson: When someone told Queen Victoria about lesbians she said no, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist. Then I wondered who decided they had to tell the Queen about lesbians. “Your Majesty, I have news from the golf course. There are lesbians.” “What do they do?” “Awesome things, Your Majesty.” “What kind of things?” “Whisper, whisper, FCC.” “I don’t believe that happens.”
4. Conan O’Brien: Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on.
3. David Letterman: Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house.
2. Conan O’Brien: Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby’s name.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1 2010
Page 106 – [Mark Twain lost a fortune on James Paige's automatic typesetter.] Paige and I always meet on effusively affectionate terms; and yet he knows perfectly well that if I had his nuts in a steel-trap I would shut out all human succor and watch that trap till he died.
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